Dear Margo: My younger brother, "George," and I have had a difficult relationship for years. He is highly educated, but he's unhappy and maladjusted, still single in his late 40s, and unable to get along with colleagues, girlfriends or family members for any length of time. George is bright and arrogant with a biting, explosive temper. My husband, my sister, my mother and I have walked on eggshells around George for decades. (My mother was browbeaten for decades by my highly educated, arrogant late father and now will not stand up to my brother, either.)

Two years ago, at a holiday dinner at my mother's house, after what I thought was gentle banter with him, George snapped at me to "shut up" in front of the whole table. That was the last straw. My husband and I left the house, leaving our preteen twins to be driven home by my sister so they would not be caught up in the fracas. We have not seen or spoken to my brother since. I refuse to invite him to my house, and he has avoided all family gatherings. He refused delivery of a birthday present I sent to him, sending me an e-mail saying, "Please leave me alone." Despite all this, my brother wants to maintain a relationship with my kids, and I need to know what to do about it.

The problem is coming to a head because my children are having a joint confirmation party at home this summer — a very small gathering of family and friends. Do I invite my brother? — Beleaguered Sister

Dear Be: I think the answer to whether or not to invite your brother to this special occasion can be found in his e-mail to you, refusing the gift: "Please leave me alone." His personality is his personality, and I must say your description of your late father answered a few questions. I would let your children decide whether they want a relationship with Uncle George. Given what they've witnessed, they will not be surprised that it cannot take place in your house. — Margo, logically

The Dilemma of Silence

Dear Margo: I have a 19-year-old cousin who's in college. Her boyfriend is someone she met while attending school. She recently confided in me that she is pregnant. Even before she found out, she told me they were looking for an apartment to rent because she didn't want to go home for the summer. She says her mom and stepdad are too controlling to live with.

I know they only want the best for her, and I tried telling her that. Not only has she not told her mom she is pregnant, but she requested that I not mention it to her or anyone else. Her mom and I are also close, and when she finds out, she is going to call me and ask if I knew about it. I don't want to be dishonest and say no, but I don't want to betray my cousin's trust, either. — Put in the Middle

Dear Put: Not to go all fortune cookie on you, but life is choices. If your cousin confided in you with the stipulation that you not mention it to anyone, then I suggest you keep your word. Should your aunt at some point ask you if you knew, the thing to do is 'fess up. But make it plain that you were sworn to secrecy, and you honored your cousin's trust. Looking at the big picture, there's nothing your aunt could do about the family "news," so I would let things play out. This way, you are neither lying to anyone nor breaking your word. — Margo, confidentially

When Nutty Granny Won't Take No (Smoking) for an Answer

Dear Margo: I have an issue with my mother-in-law. My husband is so upset with his mother that he says he will not have anything more to do with her. The issue is her smoking. My husband is a smoker, and so are others in the family, but we ask everyone, my husband included, to smoke outside due to health concerns. Our daughter has upper respiratory problems. We have a screened-in porch with comfortable furniture where people can smoke. No one has a problem with it except my MIL. She refuses to smoke outside. In addition, she refuses to visit unless she can smoke inside. She doesn't believe smoking causes health issues. We won't let our daughter visit her at her home anymore.

Now she has escalated this into a major feud, saying we are disrespecting her. She has said some pretty foul things to my husband in her attempt to force us to allow her to smoke inside. She's involved the entire family, telling everyone that we have cut off access to her granddaughter. She has even called our daughter (who is 10) and told her Mom and Dad won't let her visit and that she (our daughter) should talk to us and convince us to let her smoke inside. We refuse to give in about the smoking. What do you do with this kind of person? — Wendy

Dear Wen: I think this kind of person is probably a member in good standing of The Flat Earth Society. She is totally ignorant about the effects of secondhand smoke, not to mention being willful, selfish and engaged in a power play — which she apparently has already lost. There is not an ounce of doubt that you and your husband are responding correctly to an unreasonable request, and I wouldn't give it another minute's thought. — Margo, definitively

Some Things One Cannot Do Alone

Dear Margo: I feel terrible. I have pulled away from a longtime friend who is mentally ill, and now I am feeling great guilt. She was getting to be just too much for me, and I actually started to feel like it was "her or me." I cannot be the only person in this situation. Do you have any advice on how I can either help her or salve my conscience? Her illness has turned into my burden. — Former Friend in Atlanta

Dear Form: Let's call it fate, but just when your letter came in, I got another one that actually answers your question. I am, by the way, sympathetic to your discomfort, on all levels. The letter below refers to a fine organization (www.nami.org) that I have mentioned before. Hope this helps.

Dear Margo: My sister is a paranoid schizophrenic, so I unfortunately have learned how difficult it is to be around one. It saddens me that their friendships are usually the first things to go. My sister was sucking all of my energy, so I tried to create a little distance — but instead it drove her away from everyone. Now all she does is talk out loud to her imaginary friends, but she is not a threat to anyone but herself.

In my support group for family and friends (nami.org — National Alliance on Mental Illness), I learned about ESPs, emergency service providers, who are specially trained to help with mentally ill people who slide out of control. Because of their training, they have the awareness and skills to deal with our loved ones. This becomes especially important when you consider the number of cases where police have killed or injured mentally ill people due to a deadly combination of ignorance, fear and excessive force. ESPs can be called at 877.382.1609. In fact, I'm going to take my own advice and call them right now. — Sung Yun

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD