Dear Margo: I have no idea how it happened, but we've made a mess of raising our 18-year-old (although his older brother turned out fine). Up until a few years ago, we were very middle class people. My husband and I worked hard, paid our bills, got by with older cars, and saved for the kids' college educations and our retirement. Fortunately, a few years ago, my husband's career took off, and we could buy more luxuries, take nice family vacations, etc.

Suddenly, our younger son thinks we're the Rockefellers. He's become impossible, demanding money to go places, and when we say no, he becomes verbally abusive. Because he was too lazy during high school (despite having a high I.Q.), he couldn't get into a decent college, so he goes to community college (where he is doing very well). Now he is furious because we were planning on giving him his father's car rather than buying the $30,000 number he has his eye on. Oh, and his very part-time job does not even pay enough to cover gas, let alone insurance.

I know we could just turn off the cash, but at 18, I fear the damage has already been done. Will he ever have a clue, or will he be living with us, mooching off of us and demanding cash from us for the rest of our lives? — Hardly the Rockefellers

Dear Hard: He will not be living with you, mooching and demanding cash if you don't permit it. You and your husband need to have a sit-down with young Rockefeller and point out that his being 18 means you are no longer legally obligated to offer him room and board, an education, transportation, etc. Explain that an attitude adjustment is not only in order, but mandatory. Tell him the verbal abuse will no longer be tolerated, and if he expects to have any kind of a good life, he will have to do some serious work on his thinking and behavior.

Some damage may have been done by your aversion to saying "no," but it's not too late to scare him into acceptable behavior by not rewarding his demands by caving in. You have the power — not he. — Margo, strictly

When the Stories Don't Quite Match Up

Dear Margo: My significant other and I have been participating in the protests that are in the news. On the day he went to man the booth at noon, we planned that I would join him at 3:00. He was not there. I called his cell many times, but the calls went straight to voicemail. I went home. At 6:15, he finally called and said he was home. I went to his place and questioned him about the circumstances. He said the battery in his phone died and he was at the booth for six hours without leaving it. (That in itself is unusual because he constantly has to visit the bathroom; plus, he wasn't there at 3:00.) I was very upset and left, telling him I needed to go for a walk to calm down.

A few days later, we were talking with friends of his who said they had been there the same day and visited the booth, but they didn't see him, either. I think he is lying about something, and it bothers me. I don't know how to handle this. Please help me cope, move beyond it, or whatever. — Stuck in a Bad Place

Dear Stuck: You are clearly at an impasse with your SO when it comes to clearing up the mystery. I think of the old joke, "That's one..." If a mysterious disappearance happens again, or if you have any inkling that he's not leveling with you, then you can start to think seriously about whether you wish to continue with a guy whose word doesn't mean anything. See where things go moving forward, and put the relationship on probation — without announcing that, of course. Time is your friend. — Margo, pragmatically

A Weighty Matter

Dear Margo: When my ex-boyfriend and I called it off, he was very heavyset. (He was 5'10" and 250 lbs.) He was slimmer when we met, and then his life became stressful. (His cat died, his mom got cancer, and his niece was molested by her stepfather.) I wanted him to lose some weight for health reasons, but he wouldn't. His eating habits were grossing me out. He went to McDonald's almost every day and ordered three Big Macs. So we broke up eight months ago because of all the arguments.

Well, here's the sad part. He's thinner now (about 175 lbs. of muscle) and has a new girlfriend, who's a total witch. And he's hotter than he used to be. I really would like him back because he's hot and slim. How can I step on his witchy new girlfriend so I can get him back? — Sue

Sue: Isn't it always the way? A woman dumps Tubby, and then he morphs into an Adonis. Sort of like the married man who has a girlfriend, the wife dies, and then he marries someone else. These things are hard to figure. If you made a play for him, he might figure out it was all about the physical aspects, which is none too flattering. As for the witch, I would not move to dislodge her. My only suggestion would be to let him know that you find yourself missing him and see if he responds. Or doesn't. — Margo, fatefully

Wedding Bell Blues

Dear Margo: A year ago, my fiance's brother got married. This was really hard for us since we had been together longer than they had, and we'd wanted to get engaged but were unable to due to family issues. During the year, we listened to constant talk about their upcoming wedding at every single family event. As you might expect, we were relieved when the wedding was over. In November, my fiance and I got engaged, basking in the idea that it would finally be our turn for wedding thunder. But the other night, my fiance's brother and his wife announced they were pregnant, with the due date occurring very close to our wedding date. So, of course, that subject dominated the evening.

My fiance and I are frustrated that they will be having the first grandchild around the time of our wedding, and we're worried that we will be forgotten in the midst of their big event. We're upset because we feel like it is finally our turn, but the focus will be on the new baby. (We're also feeling a little guilty at the same time.) Neither of us is sure how to approach this or how to handle the way we feel. Fearing being overshadowed, we find ourselves drawing further away from his family. Are we being selfish, narcissistic or attention hogs? Any advice would help. — Overshadowed

Dear Ov: I don't know the origin, but I see real competitiveness — as though there were a race and they beat you to the altar. Unless the brother is clearly the favorite child, I think the two of you are hypersensitive and are perhaps carrying around a chip on your shoulders. I feel reasonably certain the brother and s-i-l did not time their pregnancy in order to draw attention from your wedding. It would be constructive if you could both move to the "as if" mode. That is, make a real attempt to stop weighing who's getting more attention. This would involve a concerted effort, but the result would make you and your fiance much more emotionally comfortable. — Margo, generously

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.