Others have hinted that they were an "item." They engage in overly long and close embraces and kisses on the lips at parties when they think no one is looking. He calls her pet names, tells her how much he misses her and holds her hand when saying goodbye at the end of a social gathering. If the subject of their mutual past comes up, it's like a bomb went off and you can cut the awkward silence with a knife. Others in a group will look at me to gauge my reaction.

I believe they were intimate in the past, but my wife will not admit to it. I've been told there is "significant flirting" going on between them. I don't really have any reason to mistrust my wife, but I don't understand why she won't fess up and tell me the whole story so I can stop letting my imagination run wild. If they have a past together, I can deal with that. (We all have a past to some degree.) On the other hand, I am growing ever more uncomfortable with the way these two act when together, and I am becoming a bit suspicious.

Otherwise, I believe we have a great, mutually rewarding marriage where we share 99 percent of the responsibilities. The kicker is that I like these people and would like to be friends with them. I do not want to sound accusatory, but I will not be made a patsy, either. How do you think I should handle this situation? — Chicago Conundrum

Dear Chi: Do you need a building to fall on your head? Reread your letter, and you will see, by my count, 10 things suggesting there has been a complete and total reconnection. For whatever reason, you seem to be pussyfooting around your wife. I say have it out and do it with a couples counselor. (Bring this letter.) — Margo, contradictorily

There Is an Answer

Dear Margo: I've been with Jacob for going on four years. We're engaged, and I love him dearly. Lately things have been a bit tense, however. He lost his job a couple of years ago and decided to go back to school full time (he never got his bachelor's degree). While I think this is the best thing for him, it's making a pre-existing condition worse. He's struggled his whole life with depression, and adding money and school stress has made him more sullen than ever. For now, we're OK, but I foresee the potential for serious problems.

He's visited mental health professionals in the past and has been on medication. But now, without a full-time job (and part-time employment is all he'll be able to maintain while he's in school), those things are out of reach. So my question to you is: What resources are there for someone in his situation? I can only listen and empathize so much. He needs professional help to work through this. Tiffany

Dear Tiff: There are free or low-cost mental health services for both the uninsured and the unemployed. Two good resources are www.healthcaresurvivalguide.com and www.nami.org. He might also inquire at your local city hall, his school and local hospitals. Your fiance might even ask his former doc for suggestions. I wish you both well. — Margo, hopefully

If They Ask, Don't Tell

Dear Margo: My husband and I are organic farmers in the Midwest. We incorporate organic practices into our lifestyle because we believe it's the healthiest way to live. I consider this a personal choice and never try to sway those who disagree with us. My husband's family wholly supports our choice to live as we do. My family, however, does not.

I am constantly defending our lifestyle to my parents and other family members. My husband and I have nothing against modern medicine, yet my family thinks we are totally against even seeing the doctor. We choose not to eat a lot of white sugar, white flour and processed food, yet I'm "depriving my son" because I don't give him candy and sweets — despite the fact that he's only 14 months old. Recently, he was sick, and I gave him a rehydration drink on the advice of my naturopath. Because it wasn't Gatorade or Pedialyte, I took a "huge risk," according to an aunt who sent me an offensive e-mail the other day.

Margo, I don't know how much more I can take of this scrutiny of our choices. I get approval from either my doctor or the pediatrician before starting anything my naturopath suggests. My husband thinks I should quit being so nice and tell the next person who criticizes our choices to butt out. — Tired of Biting My Tongue

Dear Tired: I have a better idea. Stop defending yourself, and stop reporting what you are growing, eating and giving your children. (And you are correct, it turns out, about processed foods.) If questions are asked, say you've decided, for the sake of harmony, that the subject is out of bounds. — Margo, conclusively

Walk Away

Dear Margo: I am a 57-year-old man who had been in a stable, loving relationship with another man for the past nine years. I am 17 years his senior, and our relationship has been long distance since Day One, so we knew what we were in for. Because of our careers, we were able to travel to be with each other, and we spoke three times a day every day if we were apart.

This past year has been the very worst of my life. The worst was that my partner was told he had prostate cancer and needed to have it removed. The operation was a success. They got all the cancer and preserved the nerves, which meant he could still get an erection. Now the problem. He lives in Los Angeles, and I was on my way to spend three weeks with him to help him recover. On the night before I was to leave, he told me he'd been having an affair and during all of our relationship was having one-night stands. He wanted to know if I still would come to L.A. I said yes because I thought talking face to face would help.

While there, we talked, and he told me he was no longer sexually attracted to me but still loved me. While there, he never took one day off from work to be with me, and when I was going home, he put me in a taxi. As far as I was concerned, we were over, but he still calls, says he loves me and uses pet names we had for each other. I have gotten a lot of advice from friends and family, but I think I need an outside opinion. Should I tell him to please not call me, as it is too painful, and just let me get on with my life? — Brokenhearted

Dear Broke: In a word, yes. He wants everything: you in the wings (and in another town), his local friend and his one-night stands. Tell him it was great fun, but it was just one of those things. Accepting that it's over will free you to begin your romantic life anew. There's a saying in retail that I find applies to life: Your first markdown is your cheapest. There's no reason to stick around and feel second rate — like an item that won't sell. — Margo, decisively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.