Dear Margo: I think you or your readers may not understand what it's like to live with someone who is a narcissist. The word is so often thrown around. Just one example: My own mother (diagnosed with narcissism and borderline personality) tried to pick a fight with everyone at my lovely mother-in-law's memorial service because she needed to be the center of attention. I would suggest to anyone dealing with this reality to look objectively at whatever the situation is and figure out what will give such a person the least "juice" and/or opportunity to become the center of attention.

Dear Been: Let me put it this way: I've not lived with someone who's a narcissist, but I certainly did know one rather well. And you are right about that word being thrown around. It is an actual mental health diagnosis, and a woman who primps in front of a mirror does not qualify. People develop all kinds of mechanisms for coping with the narcissists in their lives — and, to be realistic, some people are not even aware that such behavior is what they're dealing with. Your suggestions for managing aggressive and obvious egoists are good ones — and about the only ones.

Fascination with oneself, of course, comes from insecurities and early family situations that are skewed in one way or another. For whatever reason, narcissists resist therapy because, like some alcoholics, they do not recognize that there's a problem. A famous, though certainly appealing, narcissist was Mohammed Ali. Once, before a plane he was on took off, the flight attendant told him to fasten his seatbelt. His answer was, "Superman don't need no seat belt." The wonderful response was: "Superman don't need no airplane, either." He laughed and did as he was told. — Margo, managerially

There Are Times When No Response Is Appropriate

Dear Margo: A few years ago, my partner was outside gardening when a neighbor stopped to talk to him. Later on, when my partner came inside, he told me Mr. Neighbor had told him about his married life, children, etc., and how he'd always wanted to have something done to him by a guy. My partner suggested to our neighbor that he try a "facsimile," but he didn't like that idea.

My partner has no problem screaming at me, but when he should correctly tell someone off, he's all polite. I found the neighbor's request disgusting because 1) it's common knowledge in the neighborhood who we are and that we're a couple, and 2) (and yes, this is shallow and meaningless) the neighbor is old, fat, and ugly. Yes, you can scold me for writing that.

There is a block party once a year, and when this man has been there, I simply avoid or ignore him. On a rare occasion, he might be out walking his dog, and I ignore him. My partner will speak to him as if nothing happened, which makes me want to scream. Should I send him a note telling him I know what he asked and to keep his distance? — Don't Go to Strangers

Dear Don't: Calm yourself. The unfortunate-looking neighbor propositioned your partner — I would guess more out of curiosity than desire — a couple of years ago! You need to stop obsessing about this. And there is definitely no need for a note. From what you say, he is seldom seen anyway, so he is, in effect, already keeping his distance. Here's a lesson I learned from my mother. There is no need to cut someone off at the knees simply because a proposition is proffered. Your partner basically laughed it off, and I suggest you do the same. It's fine to ignore him, if that makes you feel better, and just keep on showering him with indifference. — Margo, maturely

Tough Love; No Money

Dear Margo: My daughter is 18 years old and a high school senior. She's been dating her boyfriend for less than a year. He is also 18 and insisting he's ready to propose next month. He is, of course, not financially stable. While my daughter has traveled and lived in various places, this young man has lived in the same small town his whole life and is very sheltered. His family has a long history of marrying young and living in poverty. Neither my daughter nor the boyfriend is very mature, and they seem to have no grasp of how much things cost in the real world. My daughter has a full scholarship to college, and I think the boyfriend is afraid he will lose her once she starts college.

My husband has repeatedly told the boyfriend we are against an engagement or marriage at this time. Now we are unsure what to do. If she marries him, she will lose her health and dental insurance and all the financial security we have provided. How do we express our disapproval without pushing her away? We raised her to be an independent young woman, but she seems to have lost all her common sense when it comes to this relationship. As parents, is there anything we can do to discourage such a big commitment before college? — Very Worried Parent

Dear Ver: I think a nuts-and-bolts/dollars-and-sense talk is in order. I would reiterate everything you said in your letter to me — his family history, your guess as to his fears, the losses to her (financial protection and perhaps an education). Ask where's the fire that makes her think she must move quickly, and also request that she delay a decision until she's finished one year of college. If she insists on following this kid's wishes, not yours, be firm about withdrawing the safety net you provide. She will learn, at some point, that there is wisdom in your advice. Whether it's before or after making a mistake, I cannot say. It is a truism that often the best lessons we learn are those we learn for ourselves. And sometimes it's the hard way. — Margo, unwaveringly

Get Out the Calculator

Dear Margo: I am divorced, and it was a very $uccessful divorce, if you get my drift. I have no money worries — though money is my problem. I am going with a great guy who is an academic. I'm sure you see the predicament. We are talking seriously about marriage, and finances are a tricky problem to be solved. I don't want to feel that I am keeping him — which would make him uncomfortable, as well. There has to be a solution to this; I just don't know what it is. — Planning Ahead

Dear Plan: You are not alone in the circumstance of being a woman with more money than the man. This has become a rather common reality these days, what with all the cracks in the glass ceiling, not to mention $uccessful divorces. Some businesswomen (Carly Fiorina comes to mind) arrange things so that the spouse is a househusband, relieving a working woman of domestic responsibilities and often childcare.

In your case, I suggest that your prospective husband contribute to household and living expenses pro rata. The proportionality will foster a sense of fairness and also of equality — in spirit, if not in dollars and cents. I know of couples where this has worked well. Then, too, if your settlement is as cushy as you say, it might be hard finding a financial equal. So ... the fact that you found a great guy should trump the fact that his bank account is not the size of yours. — Margo, proportionally

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.