When my sister (who is financially comfortable) got married 10 years ago, my parents gave her a substantial check to help cover wedding expenses. I'm starting to feel very angry, resentful and stressed about the situation. However, discussing it openly with my parents would most likely make things worse. They probably feel that the party is their contribution and might resent me for expecting more. Any suggestions? — Bride-to-Be

Dear Bride: I do have a suggestion, as a matter of fact. Although it sounds somewhat dramatic, I hope you will consider it. I actually did something very similar to what I'm going to propose, though for different reasons. (At that time, my husband-to-be and I had each previously been married, and I was pretty sure my parents had wedding fatigue at that point. I know I did ... along with rice marks.)

Anyway, we threw what everyone thought was an engagement party. We took over a French restaurant, and the gathering was tres gay. At some point in the evening, my new husband, in the form of a toast, announced that we had been married by a judge that afternoon. There were great whoops of surprise and joy. In your case, there will not only be the element of surprise, but you will save a nice chunk of change; you won't have the stress and commotion of even a small wedding; and you will have the fun of a bridal celebration — courtesy of your parents.

Regarding your sister's gala 10 years ago, perhaps your parents had more money then. (I suspect many people did.) Put that out of your mind. P.S.: Let your parents be surprised along with everyone else. — Margo, tactically

Who Knew?

Dear Margo: A recent letter you printed was from a stressed young woman who felt she was disorganized and stretched thin because of school, work, single-motherhood and chemo. To her and others who might need help, there is a cleaning service that provides free housecleaning once a month for four months during cancer treatments. All that's required is that the patient sign up and have their doctor fax a note confirming the treatment. "Cleaning for a Reason" will have a participating maid service in her zip code area arrange for the service.

This organization serves the entire U.S. and currently has 547 partners to help. Their link is http://www.cleaningforareason.org/. I wish I had known of this service when I was in treatment. — Cancer Survivor in Navasota, Texas

Dear Can: These people sound like saints to me. The service they provide is perfectly wonderful and worthwhile, and something I have never heard of. To whoever dreamt it up, bravo! Even taken to another level — without the illness factor — being overrun with messy surroundings can (for most of us) inhibit working and thinking and feed the feeling of being overwhelmed. Without considering myself a neatnik, I do believe that a messy desk signifies a messy mind. Getting organized is what we, in our family, call "clearing the decks." I hope a lot of people see this and pass the link on to a friend undergoing chemo. Many thanks. — Margo, gratefully

"Mortal Kombat"? "Angry Birds"?

Dear Margo: I think my college-age son is addicted to video games. It is possible he is just depressed, but in any case, something is wrong. He doesn't love school, but can do well when he sets his sights on a goal. He's home for the summer, but he refuses to look for a job or consider summer school. He does nothing, and the family can't handle it anymore. We find it a bad example for the younger siblings and just plain bad energy. It was because of this that I told him he couldn't stay here anymore. I kicked him out yesterday because I think it's time for tough love. On the other hand, I'm worried. — Sick at Heart

Dear Sick: Well, if the kid is old enough to go to college, he is old enough to fend for himself — given the fact that he was welcome to live at home if he showed some sign of life, i.e., having a productive summer where he was doing something. Video games can be an addiction, so perhaps steer him toward a counselor or a support group that deals with this. Tell the young man that your door is open to him should he decide to be useful. And do remind him that playing any kind of game for hours at a time is not an occupation. And who knows? Maybe your determined action will do him some good. Here's hoping. — Margo, hopefully

A History of Flying Off the Handle

Dear Margo: I need advice about how to cope with my older sister, who flies off the handle, often for no reason at all. We are both in our 60s. The pattern of our adult lives has been to get along fairly well for a while, until she blows up at me for a real or imagined reason. Most of the time, her anger is completely out of proportion to the offense. She says things that are so hurtful that my reaction is to retreat. There have been times when we have not spoken to each other for years, followed by one of us (usually me) trying to patch things up. This happens over and over. Only once, in an argument, did I scream back at her and say the worst things that came to mind. I had always wondered what would happen if she got as good as she gave. It didn't make any difference ... except I felt even worse afterward. And it precipitated a four-year "separation."

We recently got back together, but it has already started all over again. This last time, I refused to retreat and told her we had to learn how to communicate better with each other; that her blowing up and my retreating are both unhealthy. What makes people have such different styles of communication? As much as I try, I have a hard time forgetting some of the terrible things she has said. This has kept us from being as close as sisters should be. What can I do? — Gun Shy

Dear Gun: It sounds as though your sister not only has a temper and impulse-control issues, but I'd bet you anything there is something seriously bothering her about her life, and you've become the target. (Proving, yet again, that siblings from the same home can be entirely different in temperament and the ability to manage.) It's possible there's some carried-over resentment from the younger years. Maybe you were the favored child or prettier or something that made you a frenemy in her eyes. (And I know what you mean about feeling wounded by things she has said.)

Her pattern has become clear (and repeated), so you need to accept that this is who she is. She will not change. As for what to do, you can lie low and let things drift ... perhaps into no relationship at all. Not everyone gets a great sister. — Margo, genealogically

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.