My wife was very upset with the way I handled the situation, but said she wanted to stay married and work on our relationship. They had no contact for four months, but then they started texting again. I obtained access to her phone records. When confronted with this, she wanted to throw me out of the house. I also found evidence on the computer that she looks at his love horoscope every week. She said this was just an infatuation. The texting stopped for a few weeks when he moved, but has now begun again in earnest.

I cannot confront her directly because I don't want her to know that I have access to her phone records. I have good evidence that he now lives 1,000 miles away, so they can't be seeing each other. I've confronted her indirectly, and she lies, saying there's no contact. She repeatedly tells me she wants to stay married and that if she really wanted to be with him, she would have left me. We have three teenage children. This is putting an incredible strain on our relationship. I can't even look at her, and I definitely can't move forward with working on our marriage when I know about this "emotional affair." They text each other 10 to 20 times daily. What do you recommend I do? — Betrayed in Boston

Dear Be: The "love horoscope" thing sounds kind of teen-agey, and the supposedly secret texting reveals your wife's dissatisfaction with her real life ... and, of course, you. If your wish is to hold this thing together, I would arrange counseling, since you two can't seem to make any progress on your own and since you say you can't even look at her. I'm sure she has complaints about and wishes for this marriage, so hashing them out with a therapist is your best bet. Bring everything to the table, even your possibly illegal access to her phone records. It's worth a try, and I wish you luck. — Margo, experimentally

Calling All Cads

Dear Margo: I will make this short (though it's not sweet). I realize I have to be treated by a doctor for an STD. I desperately don't want my wife to know. It would make endless trouble because you don't get these things from, well, toilet seats. I am hoping this is one of those situations where patient confidentiality kicks in. Is it? — Nervous

Dear Nerve: It is not, because it is a matter of health policy. A physician is obliged, by law, to inform all sexual partners of "anything that endangers the health of another." And while we're on the subject, you might want to think about what kind of man would risk infecting his wife as the price for keeping his philandering secret. Along with the Acyclovir or penicillin or whatever you may be given, I suggest you take a good long look at the way you're living and the possible consequences thereof. You sound like a skunk to me. — Margo, distastefully

And I Am Marie of Rumania

Dear Margo: I've been seeing a man for a year and a half — but heaven knows not on a regular basis. Sometimes we will see each other a few days in a row, but then he will disappear for weeks at a time. He tells me he can never predict his schedule because he works as an undercover operative for the CIA. That's also the reason he gives me for why we never go to his place — because "the agency" doesn't allow it. This is getting to be pretty hard on me because I can't make plans, I don't know where this relationship can go, and I fear I might be wasting my time. (I am 40.) What does all this sound like to you? — Wasting My Time?

Dear Waste: To be frank, it sounds like you are extremely gullible. I again trot out my favorite saying about the wishful acceptance of something highly unlikely: "It is like believing that a dinosaur died standing up in the museum of natural history."

For one thing, I do not think undercover CIA people are allowed to tell anyone but a spouse what they do or for whom they work. (Often, friends of CIA administrative personnel know what they do.) Having actually known a few spooks myself, the thing about not having people over is simply not true. Often, undercover operatives tell friends their employment is working for the government/Department of Defense/FEMA ... anything but the CIA.

And so, my dear, I don't know if this guy is married, a criminal or just a guy who is not interested in a real relationship, but he is lying to you, and I would bid him adieu soonest. — Margo, stealthily

True or Not, a Novel Way To End Things

Dear Margo: I know that this has occurred since the beginning of time, but why do married men think they have the right to step all over someone's heart? Granted, it takes two to tango, and the heart wants what it wants, but now I wish we had done things differently. We are both married with families, but were drawn to each other in the beginning in what he said was a spiritual friendship. After a year, we were drawn to each other physically. This went on for the next two years. I thought it would be only a diversion, but now I feel I love this person.

Recently, he informed me that he was asked to be part of an old Native American medicine society that requires pure thoughts and actions. He is serious in fulfilling this obligation, and part of this is giving me up. He admits that two years ago, when our relationship began, he was at a vulnerable point in his life. I feel despair at the turn this has taken. I will miss the closeness we had. He wants to maintain our spiritual friendship. I'm not sure I would like to. A part of me feels anger toward him, and now I feel I was a fool. I would like to get over my anger and be friends, but I still have feelings for him. What do you think I should do? — Heartbroken

Dear Heart: This scenario hasn't really been taking place since the beginning of time ... if only because Eve had no one to step out with. But yes, it is an old story. In your situation, you do not say whether this man is a Native American or a "guest" in this medicine society. It is possible he made up this society mandating purity — but that hardly matters. He wants, for whatever reason, to end the intimacy part. I think in some instances it is not useful to remain "friends." For you to do so would cause you pain, so let the break be a clean and definitive one. Absence will help your feelings diminish, as will remembering that he wanted it to end. — Margo, reconstructively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.