Dear Margo: My father made a comment to me the other day that hurt my feelings. I didn't know whether or not to say anything, so I didn't, but now I wonder if I should have. My brother is getting married next month, and while most of the family is just glad my brother is happy, we wonder whether their relationship will last because of the little time they've known each other. What my father said was, "Oh, well, either way, I'll just give them the usual $$$," and he named a dollar amount. I should mention that this is my brother's second marriage, and I am also in my second marriage.

I didn't know what to say because he never gave me anything toward either of my weddings, and now my feelings are hurt. I think the only reason it hurt so much is because I take care of my father a lot. He is legally blind and lives alone. My brother lives two hours away, so that leaves me to help him grocery shop, pay bills, take him to doctors' appointments, etc. Also, when my brother does come up for a visit with family, he rarely stops by to see our father. Should I have said something? — Lola

Dear Lo: If there are no big chunks missing from this story, I would say that your hurt feelings are justified, especially since you are the child who really goes out of your way for him. I think the only way to have a continuing relationship without smoldering resentment is to tell your father of your hurt feelings. It will be a difficult conversation, but I think one worth having. He may have been totally unconscious or unaware of his inadvertent oversight and implied favoritism. His response, whatever it is, will answer your questions, and getting it off your chest will clear the air. He might even try to make it up to you. — Margo, optimistically

Easier Said than Done

Dear Margo: I have a warning for your female readers, based on personal experience. I had a good friend and co-worker who was in a bad relationship with a brilliant man who specialized in mental cruelty. My friend (I'll call her Babs) would call me at all hours sobbing out her heartache over his latest mentally abusive behavior, and she could not see her way to either stand up to him or end the relationship. The few times she did stand up to him, he backed right down and treated her like a queen for weeks, but then went back to his old tricks (which she accepted for months at a time).

Babs was model-beautiful, smart, fun, funny, kind, considerate and successful in a normally male-dominated profession, and yet she wasted years with someone who didn't love her but needed a constant in his life. She was (obviously) insecure enough to need that constant herself and couldn't see that she allowed him to mistreat her. Over time, she fractured friendships and eventually lost her position at our company because she was such an emotional wreck.

Babs would probably say I was a bad friend because I could no longer listen to her heartache and provide emotional support. I couldn't stand seeing her wasting her time with someone who didn't care. I would urge such women to both evaluate how an unhealthy relationship is affecting all other aspects of life, and then work up the courage to move on and have a better shot at a happier life. I hope you tell your women readers to put a higher value on themselves and their emotional well-being. — E.H.S.

Dear E.: I don't have to because you just did — and in a most sensible and thoughtful way. I would add, however, that this particular situation is one of those most often figured out by trial and error — and I would stress "error." — Margo, concurringly

Hey, Handsome. Why Are You Here?

Dear Margo: I have been with my boyfriend for six months, and we are very much in love. He actually moved 150 miles to be with me. However ... he is 30 and very handsome, and I am 38 with two small children. I can't quite believe he would want to be with me, and this has translated itself into extremely painful jealousy and doubt. I have no reason to distrust him, but my jealousy is like a burning coal in my chest, and I hate it! How can I defeat it before it ruins our relationship? — Becky

Dear Beck: You definitely have to go to work on your insecurities. I would hope you could defeat your fears with understanding. Not all good-looking guys are shallow — e.g., needing a woman to be as great looking as they are so that they are an attention-getting "stunning couple." Sometimes the movie-star-gorgeous guys fall for women who are only just this side of attractive. (Often these women have something called "personality," and they know how to make a man feel important and valued.) Not all men judge women by their looks, and very often, emotional comfort trumps appearance. Do remember that some extremely attractive people — both sexes — have insecurities and neuroses, too.

The boyfriend you describe has basically proved he cares for you by moving. (And it's an old canard that men are reluctant to marry women with young children; I did it twice.) In any case, I hope you can accept the idea that he is with you because he loves you and that his good looks are just an exterior facet. I can tell you that I have known some knock-your-socks-off handsome guys who don't wear well because there is nobody home. It doesn't sound like you have one of those. I do hope you will calm down and enjoy the romance. — Margo, sensibly

Freebie Annoyance

Dear Margo: We have a vacation home with a big open-door policy, and friends and family happily take us up on the offer of a free vacation when we're not there. The problem is that some of those family and friends don't do a good cleaning job when they leave or pitch in when it's clear that some maintenance or upkeep is required. They mean well. It's just that they don't participate in keeping the house going.

It's quite irritating when we get there afterward and have to clean up after other people or clear a path through the brush they must have gone through themselves. These are not people I can speak frankly to without causing serious rifts. How can I say, "I'm glad you like our house, but could you pitch in a little more?" without actually having to say it? — Hassled Hostess

Dear Hass: There is a great way not to say things, and that is to write them! I would post House Rules somewhere in the kitchen where they are sure to be seen. List the things guests need to do, saying basically how you expect to find things upon your return. Anyone who reverts to Old Sloppy Guest Mode should wind up off any future advisory bulletins of when the house will next be free.

If the new regulations are ignored, I would not be shy about bringing up your problem with such behavior. Such a discussion need not be confrontational ... more along the lines of "Can you help me out here?" I think anyone who is so passive aggressive as to disregard your requests, in exchange for a free vacation house, is asking for a rift. People will only take advantage of you if you let them. — Margo, neatly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.