Dear Margo: I was in a relationship with a man who was separated and living alone. This lasted nearly two years. I felt he was the person I should have met 20 years ago, that finally everything made sense in my life. Then one day, without warning, he dumped me, saying he was going to try to reconcile with his wife. I was beyond devastated. I went crazy and tried for two years to get him back. He cheated on her with me, and I did everything wrong. I still love him. I have no history of this sort of behavior, but I do see a therapist and am on medication, which helps.

My dilemma is that I really miss male attention and have been advised to start dating other people. The idea is both intriguing and repulsive. My main concern is whether or not it's really OK to try to form a new relationship when you are still in love with someone else. I don't think I'll ever stop loving this man, and I know I would cheat, given the opportunity. What can I do? — Ruined

Dear Ru: Well, good that you are seeing a therapist. I would try to work harder to understand why you wish to hang on to this man who is not available, does not reciprocate your feelings, and is not adding anything to your life except mental commotion. If he doesn't put a high value on you, then you must put a high value on yourself. He is using you — with no concern for you as a person.

I think it a form of masochism to imagine you'll never stop loving this man — an idea that works well only in poems and novels. I would definitely date new people and am betting you will be surprised. I can tell you, though, that you must be resolutely done, emotionally, with the Bad Boyfriend ... for then and only then will you be able to be open to recognizing someone of quality. — Margo, historically

Diffusing an Uncomfortable Situation

Dear Margo: I find myself in an odd situation. A few months ago, I did not go to work. I was severely depressed and was involuntarily committed to the psychiatric ward in a hospital. What caused my depression was ongoing workplace bullying that my supervisors did nothing about combined with a high-stress and somewhat dangerous job. (I work with homeless, mentally ill and addicted persons.) I did not call my employer to say where I was because, well, I had no access to a phone for many hours after I was checked in. My employer called the police and my parents. By the time I managed to call my parents, 16 police officers had been out looking for me, and my apartment had been searched for any evidence of foul play. I was so embarrassed by everything.

Thankfully, I am on the road to recovery and am not ashamed of my hospital stay. It was something I needed in order to get back on the right path and find happiness again. All of my co-workers know what happened. I am going back to work soon and don't know how to handle the questions and looks. Any advice? — Back in the Saddle

Dear Back: Because you say your co-workers know where you spent your "vacation," I would go with humor. Something like, "It's so good to be out of the bin, though it really was the pause that refreshes." This will tell people you are not ashamed of your mini-breakdown and that it's OK to talk about it. My hope is that your employer did something about the bullying. — Margo, restoratively

Infidelity and Families

Dear Margo: I'm having difficulty coping with the news of my father's recent infidelity. I found out that he was in a short-lived relationship with another woman who is also married, and only a few years older than me. (By the way, I found this out the day before my birthday and was sick with the flu.) I never thought my father could be capable of such behavior. In truth, I've always had him on a pedestal. To me, he was the perfect worker, father and husband. He was the bar by which I measured others. Now, knowing the truth, I feel my world shattering.

I need to be a rock for my mother. She needs me, but I can't get past my own feelings of hurt to be any help to her. How do I get past my selfishness to be there for her? How do I act around my father when he wants to pretend that nothing happened? — Trying To Cope

Dear Try: You do not say how he and your mother have been dealing with his brief affair. Your hurt and your mother's are quite different. Many girls make the ol' man into Mr. Perfect, which of course is unrealistic. The fact that the fling was with someone close to your own age suggests a midlife crisis, or at the very least an aberration. I would hope you could internalize the fact that people often fall short of our expectations. You are not selfish because you are hurt, but remember that you are not the primary wronged party.

As for your dad wanting to pretend nothing happened, I hope you can tell him you are disappointed and hurt, and perhaps a useful discussion will follow. The bottom line is that I don't think a child is the one who can really help the betrayed spouse ... unless it is to listen and be supportive. — Margo, maturely

No Muss, No Fuss, No Rice

Dear Margo: I'm not sure if you can help me, but I figure it's worth a try. My boyfriend and I were high-school sweethearts. We've been together more than 10 years. We want to get married once our loans and debts are paid off, and "someday" is happily getting closer.

The problem is, while I know I absolutely want to marry him, I'm very unsure about a wedding. I'd really like to do something to celebrate the occasion, but I am completely intimidated by the planning and process of a wedding. I didn't even attend my own college graduation. Plus, I bailed out of the graduation party my family was planning for me, so they canceled it.

I definitely want something more than a courthouse ceremony, and a "small, intimate wedding" won't do because I have a large family. I also have an issue with all the hype around weddings and graduations. My boyfriend and I don't drink or dance. We don't even like having our picture taken. While I like some aspects of a "traditional" wedding (namely, the ceremony, dress and cake), I would be nervous about the whole thing. Money also plays a huge role, as my boyfriend and I would be footing the bill ourselves. Any suggestions? — Potential Runaway Bride

Dear Po: You are clearly not a girl who enjoys parties, celebrations or attention. Luckily, your fella shares your views. Given what you tell me, I would definitely elope and save wear and tear, nervousness ... and money. To make things more than a courthouse ceremony, why not invite both sets of parents, sibs and only your closest friends to dinner without saying you will arrive there as man and wife? Ask the restaurant if they would prepare something wedding cake-ish for dessert. People will be thrilled with the surprise, and everyone will understand that you chose not to go the traditional route. — Margo, minimally

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.