That has changed. For the past couple of years, he's become increasingly distant, spending more and more time away from home. Then, out of the blue, he tells me he isn't in love with me anymore and doesn't feel like he has a partner because I don't like to do outdoor things with him. We started marriage counseling, but a couple of weeks after the first session, he admitted he was in love with a friend of ours. This friend does enjoy the outdoors and shares more of his interests than I do, but she doesn't return his feelings and just wants to be friends.

I have moved out and don't know if we should continue the counseling or if this marriage is over. He says he doesn't know what the future holds and is feeling very lost right now. Should I give him more time and put my life on hold, or cut ties and get out of the marriage knowing that I can't accept being his second choice? I am still in love with him, and the pain is almost unbearable. By the way, he still talks to her every day and wants to remain friends with her. — Heartsick

Dear Heart: It is hard to know if this is a midlife crisis and whether he will, at some point, see the light, see you in a different light or decide that the light has gone out, period. Do know that some of the best marriages are between people who do not share all the same interests, so don't be too fast to hop on a Harley or strap on a pair of skis. And the reverse can be true, as well: Some relationships are built on a lot of togetherness.

My own feeling is that a marriage (a good one) really depends on mutual affection, comfort, chemistry — not outdoor activities. His announcing, by the way, that he no longer loves you and is in love with what's-her-name, but it's not reciprocal, would probably encourage me to call it a day. Furthermore, his wanting to torture himself by "remaining friends" with her is another reason I'd split. Try more counseling if he's willing, but my hunch is that he's emotionally outta there. I am sorry. — Margo, realistically

When Understanding Can Be the Key to Survival

Dear Margo: Like someone else who wrote to you, I, too, am middle-aged and have a sister who flies off the handle at imagined slights. Just last year I found a website and finally understood the wellspring of the abuse. She is a narcissist, and some reports say this is caused by the male role model being absent during a crucial development period in a young girl's life. This website has helped me, and I learned that my sister thinks she is perfect and will never change, so I limit my contact with her to group settings only, where I can avoid her or move on when she decides to throw a tantrum so the day will be about her. Limiting contact is the only thing that works. For anyone else who has my problem, I offer the website: http://bit.ly/qFr9f7. — Figured It Out at Least

Dear Fig: I pass this on to whomever might find it useful, with your compliments. A way of handling unbalanced friends or relatives can be a lifesaver. Understanding is a great tool for managing someone else's disturbances. I have never believed in being victimized by either relatives or friends. — Margo, sympathetically

Can You Say "Enough Already"?

Dear Margo: I need advice regarding my stepson, who is almost 25. He's been in a two-year college since he was 19, and after flunking out, missing classes, etc., he is still in a two-year college. My husband basically has been supporting him the whole time. We pay for his iPhone (he has gone through three); we bought him a new car and make those payments; we pay his credit card bills (he can charge up to $2000). My husband has paid for his classes and books; his mother pays for car insurance. We even paid some parking tickets for him!

I am ready to lose it because I feel he is a grown man. He lives with a girlfriend and her child from a previous relationship. Shouldn't he be on his own by now? This has been an ongoing fight between my husband and me. I feel we are enablers. What say you? — Had It Up to the Gills

Dear Had: I don't know that your husband is enabling him so much as crippling him. The kid is either an idiot or totally uninterested in getting an education. And why should he? It sounds as though both parents are happy to coddle him until the end of time or until he gets Social Security, whichever comes first.

I think six years at a two-year college speaks volumes and your husband is deaf to the message. Even if he feels guilt about divorcing, he is doing the kid no favors. He is not making amends; he is making a mess. And he is clearly tuning you out, so I would suggest making an appointment with a psychologist who can explain to him that he is robbing his son of any motivation to get his act together. It will be hard, after all this time, to tell the sponge, I mean the young man, that the jig is up, but he absolutely must be "encouraged" to begin to be self-sufficient. — Margo, incredulously

Wheelchair Etiquette

Dear Margo: I have Muscular Dystrophy. I am beginning to need my wheelchair full time. Friends and family are doing whatever they can to make their homes accessible to me so I am not left out of activities. My friends and family mean everything to me, and I depend on them a great deal. My wheelchair can be unforgiving when around doorways, hardwood flooring, etc. It is inevitable that I will damage something in someone's home, and I will feel terrible about it. What should I do when I damage something? Many times, I may never know. I can't fix every scratch I may make or clean every tire track I leave on the rug. I want to be invited, but I also want to be a good guest. What do you think? — Richard

Dear Rich: How thoughtful you are. I get the feeling that your friends and family are all in your corner, so I'm sure they will all be understanding about whatever marks there are from your chair. You might call the manufacturer and ask if they can recommend certain products for scuff marks or scratches. If they have suggestions, pass them on to your hosts. I feel certain that apologizing in advance for any marks made by the chair will put you in the "good guest" category. People know these things can't be helped, and your awareness of this will surely be appreciated, so go forth and party on! — Margo, sociably

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD