Dear Margo: My husband and I are in our mid-20s and have a wonderful marriage. There is one little problem, though: his family. While my family welcomed my husband into the fold with open arms, his mom repeatedly requests that I be excluded from family visits because she wants it to be "family only." Despite the fact that she was present and claimed to be ecstatic at our wedding, I'm sometimes not even sure she understands that we're married and suspect she may still think of me as a disposable, casual girlfriend. We have cut off almost all contact with his family, but unfortunately, he and his mother work for the same organization, and it is not feasible for my husband to change jobs to avoid her. This is his dream job.

How can he handle the situation with his unbearable and relentless mother? I love my marriage, and I love my husband, but I have been dealing with this for almost five years. Cataloging everything his mother (not to mention his literally certifiable sister) has done over the years could fill enough pages to be a full-length novel, and I'm at the end of my rope. — Tearing Out My Hair in California

Dear Tear: The good news is that you're not in a battle with a husband who has taken the position: "My family, right or wrong." He apparently agrees with you that the women he's related to by blood have fallen off the balance beam. Your husband must not be chased from his dream job, and the workplace situation may be a strange kind of blessing. He needs to tell "unbearable and relentless" that you are family, and that her non-acceptance of you would require him to institute a formal estrangement. Her choice.

What he doesn't need to tell her is that your marriage is on the line. He must go on record — maybe in a letter — that a continuing relationship with her, as it is now, is bad for his health and he chooses not to deal with her. And he has to mean it. If she gets really nutty at work, she will be let go. — Margo, adamantly

When the "Benefits" Only Go One Way

Dear Margo: I met a man about six months ago on a dating website. I fell in love with him against my better judgment, and then he broke my heart. We are still friends (with benefits), and he still tells me all the time that he loves me, but is just not ready for a relationship. He is a past drug user with some mental issues. Do you think I should give him time or move on? Thanks. — In limbo

Dear In: Give him time for what, my dear? While he is enjoying the "benefits," you are functioning as his own personal escort service, and the payment you are receiving is anguish. It has always seemed to me like bad business to dally with someone who has essentially told you he loves you but ... he is not "ready" for a relationship. Taking the long view, this man is not only unable to give you what you want, but he sounds emotionally shaky. I suspect in the long run you will have dodged a bullet by believing him about not being ready for a relationship. I suggest you gently tell him that the benefits office is closed. — Margo, beneficially

"Friends" Without Brains

Dear Margo: I am in my mid-40s. After eight years of marriage, my husband died last year of an insidious brain cancer. It was 10 months of "progressive" illness from onset to his death at home, and it's been a year of slow rebuilding — and a lot of staring off into space. During his illness, dozens of friends and family rallied around to provide support and care. They were magnificent.

My problem is this: Several of those people now "check in" from time to time to tell me horror stories of other people (most of whom I don't know) suffering with one form of cancer or another. Oddly, the main offender is my own mother, who rarely had a kind word to say about my husband prior to his illness, but now praises him to the skies and has pretty much told me that now that he's gone, the best part of my life is over.

I don't know what to do with this. If it were specifically brain cancer people were telling me about, perhaps I could offer insight or strategies for coping. But for any other type of cancer, what the heck do I know? And why are these people thinking I would be interested in hearing gory details? I do not wish to spend the rest of my life reliving my husband's cancer and soaking up the misery of everyone else's. What do I (politely) say to these folks? — (Not) Our Lady of Sorrows

Dear Not: Forget polite, honey, and just practice cutting in, right at the beginning of these organ recitals, with a quick sentence along the lines of, "You know, I find these conversations depressing, so let's talk about something else." As for your mother, she sounds like a piece of work, so I would issue a special fiat just for her: "It is best for me if we do not talk about my husband or his illness." And I would get caller ID so there will be fewer occasions on which you need to remind her. — Margo, authoritatively

Dealing with a Dog Person

Dear Margo: My husband and I recently moved to another state for his work. We're in a small town without many young families. We recently met another relocated couple our age (late 20s). Both husbands travel a great deal, and the other wife and I now spend time together when our husbands are away. The problem is her (large) dog. She brings him everywhere, including restaurants. She leaves him in the car, but goes to check on him every half-hour, and she brings him to my house. I invited her to my sister's for my niece's birthday party, and she brought the dog! Then she spent the whole time keeping the kids away from the dog.

Not being a dog lover myself, I'm having a hard time understanding this. We have also taken to cooking together sometimes when our husbands are away (at her house; better kitchen). She routinely lets the dog lick her dishes before they go in the dishwasher. I don't want to lose this friendship over a dog, but I'm grossed out eating at her place. Honestly, I'm afraid if it came down to hanging out with me on a Saturday night or being at home with the dog, she might pick the dog. Selfishly, I don't want to alienate the only woman my age in this small town. — Eating Out of a Dog Food Bowl

Dear Eat: Let me guess: This woman has no children. I am down with her devotion to Fido because I, myself, have granddogs. They belong to my daughter (the doctor), who informs me that while my idea of a dog's "clean mouth" might be a myth, the dishwasher will kill just about anything, if only in the drying cycle. If you have not gotten sick so far, assume by empirical evidence that the risk to your health is negligible. The friendship sounds important to you and Fido sounds important to her, so try to look elsewhere when the dog "pre-washes" the plates. — Margo, pragmatically

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.