Dear Margo: I've been married for 14 years. During that time, I put up with endless verbal abuse from my wife directed at me, as well as our kids. I finally began to snap out of the depression I was in because of this. For my own sanity and that of my kids, I decided I had had enough and am ready to separate and move on.
Now comes the bombshell that she supposedly has terminal cancer (payback for all she has done, as she puts it). While shocked and a bit skeptical, I have a dilemma. If this is not a last-minute attempt to mess with me, can I still in good conscience leave? Without a doubt, I want to hear from a doctor whether she actually is sick and, if so, what the prognosis is. Based on how she has treated me, I am not sure I am ready to handle all that will go with her final days. At the same time, I don't want to look like an uncaring jerk and leave at this time. Thoughts? — Over a Barrel
 Dear Ove: You didn't throw me an easy one. The first thing you must do is insist that your wife and you go to her oncologist together. Unfortunately, from my point of view, HIPPA restrictions do not permit you to call the doctor, even as her husband, to find out whether she is or is not ill. This is the reason for insisting that your wife and you both go to her doctor. If she declines, you basically have your answer. If it turns out she is telling the truth, I can only tell you what I would do.
This will no doubt invite an avalanche of negative mail, but I don't think I could care for a dying person who had been destructive to both my children and me for many years. The technical point, for me — the moral position, if you will — is that you had made your decision before you heard the "news." Although you do not specify, the announcement may have come after you declared your intentions. I would not be concerned with what other people think. It's been my experience that punitive spouses act that way pretty much all the time, i.e., in front of others. Good luck with this. — Margo, tentatively
Keeping Tears at Bay
Dear Margo: I have a dear friend (we grew up together) who's in the last stages of MS. I will be asked to speak at her funeral, and I am terrified I will be a blubbering mess and will embarrass my friend's family whom I love so much. I have looked on websites that give instructions on the proper things to say, but these suggestions seem cold and impersonal. Do you have any ideas about how I could talk in front of a church full of people without becoming a huge puddle and still give my dear friend the eulogy she richly deserves? — Greta
Dear Gret: You have a sad task in front of you, to be sure. I agree that you should skip the suggestions you found on a website. You have known this friend since you were children, so you clearly have many memories and a clear sense of her qualities. I would write your remarks, and speak from the heart. (Do not take the chance of doing this without notes, or even a word-for-word "script.") As for not dissolving in tears, the more you rehearse it the more familiar the words will be, and that will give you your best shot at maintaining your composure. You can do this. Good luck. — Margo, assuredly
Some Things Really Are Do-It-Yourself Projects
Dear Margo: My mother, whom I love dearly, is putting herself at great risk. She is only in her 50s and has been 400-plus pounds for most of my life. As someone in the health field, I know how harmful obesity is, but nothing I say ever makes her change anything. She eats healthfully, but refuses to work out at all. She won't walk more than 100 feet if she can avoid it. While we all talk about my sister's equal obesity, my mother's weight is never discussed. She draws a line between her own weight and my sister's by saying, "Oh, well, she's young. I'm old." (I'd seriously like to know on what planet a 50-something is considered "old," but that's another matter.)
She is my father's whole world and is a wonderful person. I know she would make a fantastic grandmother; I'm just afraid she's not going to live to be one. I should be happy I'm about to move out, but instead, I'm terrified that when she has a heart attack (not if, when), my father won't be able to help her or perform proper CPR. I think the fear would paralyze him rather than spurring him to action. (I saw this play out when she choked. He freaked out, and I was the one that saved her life.) What can I do? What can I say? How can I help my mother? — Dutiful Daughter
Dear Dut: If your mother is eating healthfully and nothing is changing, she must be eating quite a bit more than she needs. While exercise is helpful, studies show that caloric intake is more effective than exercise in losing weight. As for not wishing to walk 100 feet, it's probably hard for her because she is dragging around so much excess weight.
Your only option is to have her physician sit her down and talk turkey. The fact that she thinks she is old perhaps contributes to her being unwilling to make an effort. There is likely some denial and fear of failure in her refusal to discuss the subject — except as it pertains to your sister. What she is doing is committing suicide by forks and spoons, and no one can motivate her to want to lose serious weight. This is what you need to accept. We each get a life to manage as best we're able. — Margo, acceptingly
Who's Your Mommy?
Dear Margo: I need advice on how to respond to people in public. My kids do not look like me, so people never assume they are my children. Frequently, they step right in between my kids and me, cutting me off from them. I have to repeatedly say "excuse me" so I can catch up to my children. As my daughter is running off, I've heard people say "Where is that kid's mom?" while they are blocking my way! It's driving me nuts. Suggestions, please. — Laurie E in Gresham, OR
Dear Laur: Well, for starters, you might insist that you and your kids all hold hands when you're out and about in pedestrian traffic. As for not looking like you're a family ... maybe it's because I live in Boston, but I have never thought that the Asian or Af-Am kid with a Caucasian woman was not with a parent.
I think you need to tighten up the routine when you all are out of the house together, and also deemphasize — in your own mind — the apparent differences between you and your children. — Margo, pragmatically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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