Dear Margo: After two years of research and soul-searching, I have rejected my faith and become an atheist/humanist. I grew up in a Christian household, and all of my family and most of my friends are Christians. I was once devout, and I married a Christian man. I have been honest with "Kurt" since I started doubting my faith — telling him of my doubts and updating him on my thoughts and findings. He was patient and supportive. However, that all changed several days ago when I told him I realized I was an atheist.
Kurt completely shut down and ignored me for the rest of the evening and the following day. When he finally did talk to me, he told me he felt like a failure as a husband, that I'd betrayed him, that he's no longer proud to be married to me, and that my atheism is a "dirty secret" he has to keep. He proceeded to list all of the things that are wrong with our marriage and implied the fault was all mine. When I tried to interject my opinions, he told me to shut up because he didn't care what I had to say on the matter. Then he went to bed. We have not spoken of it since.
Needless to say, I am heartbroken. Since this incident, we have coexisted politely, like roommates. We obviously need counseling, but in the past when I brought it up, he said he wouldn't go since I'm the one with the problem. Do you have any advice about how to proceed? I don't know whether our marriage can survive this. — The Apostate
Dear Ap: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I believe the marriage is a goner. Your husband is clearly very religious. He is embarrassed that you have arrived at this decision and is unwilling to hang on to the marriage through counseling. I think your life will be happier when you two part, as this new barrier between you is such a basic issue. I salute you for taking two years to arrive at a decision, and I do not believe you have "a problem." Good luck. — Margo, thoughtfully
Any Rules About Showers (of the Baby Kind)?
Dear Margo: My boss and his wife are expecting their first child. My co-workers and I are thrilled for him because many of us know he's been waiting for this moment for a very long time. He and his wife opted not to have a baby shower, partly due to the fact that she's a doctor at a busy urban hospital and now is on mandatory bed rest. My co-workers and I want to honor this occasion, and we all decided to contribute money to buy a gift and throw him a small office shower.
My task is to create the greeting card, as I do this as a part-time gig, but I am at a loss. Because the shower will only be for him at our office, I was going to have the card say something along the lines of "For the soon-to-be daddy." But not including her doesn't feel right. (Personally, I intend to send them a gift addressed to both, as I know them both socially.) Any advice? — One of the Girls
Dear One: Since the boss is held in high regard, I think it's fine to have him be the single honoree at the shower. He knows his wife was involved, so don't give it a thought that there's no mention of the mom-to-be on the card. The interest of everyone in the office sounds quite sweet. I know the shower will be a great success. — Margo, festively
People Don't Have To "Get Over" Everything
Dear Margo: Twenty years ago, I lost my job and couldn't find another one. My savings ran out, and bit by bit, I hocked everything until I was left with only the clothes on my back. My mother had a three-bedroom house, but she was dating for the first time since my father died, and when I asked if I could stay with her until I was on my feet, she said it wasn't "a good idea," as "Ed" sometimes spent the night. I stayed with friends, moving from week to week to avoid wearing out my welcome.
With nowhere to turn, I joined the military. The soonest I could leave for boot camp was four months. To tide me over, I got a job at a fast-food restaurant. I had run through all of my friends' couches and needed a place to stay for just three days until I got my first paycheck. Mom said that even for that short period of time it wasn't "convenient" for me to stay with her. For three nights, I slept in a field. On payday, I rented a room where my neighbors were prostitutes, drug addicts and rats.
Today, I have my own home and a good job. Mom now lives in an independent living complex. She is quickly reaching the point where she will no longer be able to live on her own. If her options are moving to a nursing home or living with me, then she's going into a nursing home. I simply cannot forget our history. What shall I say when she asks why I won't let her live with me? — Cannot Forget
Dear Can: I would tell her "it's not convenient" and perhaps she should call Ed. I totally understand where you're coming from. I have always thought we earn the treatment we get in life. Don't spend a minute feeling guilty. This is a selfish woman with seemingly no motherly instincts. — Margo, guiltlessly
Write Her Off for the Time Being
Dear Margo: My husband and I had our first child six months ago. I work from home and have a relatively flexible schedule, so I'm able to care for the baby during the week with some help from friends and family. My mother works part time and offered to cover one day a week to help out. However, since she started, she has complained to anyone who will listen about how far of a drive it is. She also has made other negative or snarky comments about the effort she's making and what other things she could be doing instead. The situation came to a head recently when she claimed that my husband and I did not show enough appreciation.
Needless to say, I suggested we end the once-a-week arrangement. In a mildly "colorful" conversation, I told her it was difficult to bend over backward thanking her when she is constantly complaining, and that I didn't know what she expected from two new parents trying to adjust to their new lifestyle.
Two weeks later, we drove to my parents' town for my 30th birthday dinner, and she didn't show up — only my father did. I'm at a loss as to how to quell the family drama and move forward. — New Mom
Dear New: Sorry to state the obvious, but who's the baby here: your infant or your mother? As for managing the family drama, you did the right thing by bagging the weekly granny duty. (Her loss; I would give anything to be within a car ride of "my" new baby.) Moaning and groaning certainly detracts from her "gift" and is the polar opposite of "gracious." Your mother's childish behavior will either fade into the background — or it won't. I am guessing you could live without the drama quite nicely. — Margo, acceptingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD