Dear Margo: This is not exactly a problem — yet. I am engaged to a great guy who only has eyes for me. My mother, though, is worried about my future, because for generations, the men in my fiance's (quite prominent) family have been well known for cheating in their marriages. She says she is certain it is genetic. I say it's a choice. What do you say? — Looking to the Future

Dear Look: Regarding your mother's "certainty," I will respond with the quaint answer given by the physicist Murray Gell-Mann to a statement with which he disagreed: "Quantum flapdoodle."

I think relatively few behaviors are genetic. Because straying is often multigenerational within families, it is assumed by some that it's "in the blood." But I think, rather, such conduct is communicated, if not sanctioned, either subtly or overtly. I can't imagine any father saying to a son, "M'boy, marriage vows are just a piece of paper." I think what happens is that the behavior becomes known either through deduction, observation or gossip. Then the implicit message is "Infidelity R Us." A son sees his mother put up with it and assumes his wife will.

I only feel comfortable citing one such family as an example because so much has already been written: the Kennedys. Starting with "Honey Fitz" and "Toodles," the pattern continued with his son-in-law, old Joe Kennedy — who actually flaunted his liaison with Gloria Swanson. Then it continued in the next generation with JFK, Bobby and Ted. To be sure, a womanizing father can be an anathema and shameful to a son, but, like abuse, people often duplicate the behavior they abhor. Some men, however, see womanizing for the destructive and neurotic behavior it is and steer clear. You will have to follow your gut as to which kind you think your fiance is. And of course, marriage, like life, comes with no guarantees. — Margo, intuitively

Death by Junk Food? Nah

Dear Margo: I've been married for two years to a great guy who has two kids, 16 and 12. They live in a small town 400 miles from us. That, plus the fact that my husband works overseas for months at a time and their mother can be very uncooperative, means we don't see them terribly often. I'm a little nervous that they're coming to visit for the first time for a month this summer. This might sound weird, but what I'm most nervous about is feeding them.

I'm health conscious, and I've noticed they have horrendous eating habits. They don't eat vegetables. They don't drink water — only soda, sports drinks and chocolate milk. They declare they hate certain things, but answer "no" when asked whether they've ever tried them. I can't bring myself to feed them a hamburger, fries and a soda every day. I can't expect help from my husband, as he's not overly fond of vegetables himself. What can I possibly feed his kids that will not make them hate me, but will also not make them sick from malnutrition? — Trying Not To Kill the Kids in Washington, D.C.

Dear Try: A good and obvious rule of thumb is that it's your house, you're the cook and little buggers can't be choosers. You might ease them into better eating by, say, making the french fries from sweet potatoes. You might also introduce them to things you like, and if they don't eat them, well, they'll be a little hungry. If they really dig in their heels and faint from hunger, revert to the burgers, fries and chocolate milk, knowing that if one of these kids has survived for a dozen years and the other one even longer, there is no danger they will keel over from junk food on your watch. — Margo, palatably

Some People Will Try Anything Once

Dear Margo: My stupid sister is a struggling single mother of three daughters, ages 10 to 14. She has been twice married and divorced. She just lost her business, and her home is in foreclosure.

Recently, she met a guy decorated with tattoos from top to bottom. After only one month of dating, she wants to marry him. I investigated and found out this man sent his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend to the E.R. from domestic violence. His four sons hate him, and I fear for my nieces. She wants me at her wedding, but I do not support her decision. She knows about his past and wants me to give him a chance. I love my sister, but I don't know what to do about the wedding. — Raquel

Dear Raq: Ordinarily, when a close friend or family member has a quandary about attending a wedding with a no-goodnik groom, I say that attendance is not an endorsement. It is one thing to feel someone you love has made a poor choice; it is quite another to show up when the, uh, fiance has been violent to the point of requiring the hospitalization of two women and has four sons who detest him. I would say your absence would be justified. It is pathetic that your sister is both hasty and deluded about the chances for a successful third marriage, but I feel sure you will have the opportunity to support her when the time comes. I am guessing it will be in the E.R. — Margo, forebodingly

A More Common Problem Than You'd Imagine

Dear Margo: I very much dislike my daughter, my middle child. From the moment the other two were born, I felt a motherly bond. I figured I'd feel it eventually with "Middle," but five years later, nothing. I do love her, but only because she's my child.

From the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed, she annoys me. She is a drama queen, a brat, sometimes a bully and a liar. She talks nonstop. If she's not talking, she's always making some sort of noise — singing, humming and such. It's so bad, I think she may have a condition of some kind. She doesn't listen or follow directions, and she fights with me about everything. She steals food from the kitchen and stashes it in her room — and not just candy and junk food, but whole loaves of bread, leftovers, whatever she can get to. Half the time, we don't notice it until we find it petrified and gross. If we're busy and she wants something, she will literally jump on us. The attention she demands is so draining that I want to lock myself in my room sometimes.

I make sure I give her one-on-one time every day. I make sure I tell her every day that I love her. I do everything to make sure she's never left out, and that things are even between my kids across the board. I've gone to therapy because I feel like a failure as a mother. She deserves to feel that I love her the same as I do my other two. I just can't seem to, and faking it is wearing me out. — At the End of my Tether

Dear At: The wrong person is in therapy. There is something abnormal about this child, and I would start with your pediatrician, reporting all the symptoms and requesting a cognitive/ behavioral/ psychological evaluation. Some kids just are annoying, but there is too much going on for this child to fall into that category. And you are not alone. There are parents who do not love their children, either because they are unplanned or unwanted, or sometimes because they're not very lovable. It is not a moral failing to feel as you do. Stop beating yourself up, and get busy finding some expert help. — Margo, therapeutically

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD