Dear Margo: I've been in a relationship for the past nine months with a man I love and have a great friendship with. He is kind, interesting and great fun to be with, but I feel an imbalance in the relationship because of our pasts and responsibilities.

He had a short-lived marriage that created a child and ended in divorce nearly two years ago (before we met). I'm not a parent and don't have an ex-spouse. I drive myself crazy thinking about the fact that he has an ex-wife — someone he made vows to, someone he once held at night, someone who bore his firstborn. I know he is serious about our relationship and would like to get married. I would be on the same page if I weren't so concerned about the emotional reaction I have every time I think about his ex-wife and the fact that everything in our marriage would be an exciting new adventure for me and a rerun for him. I know our relationship is very different from the one they had, and that he is not living in the past. What advice can you offer to help me get over it and stop resenting being "the second"? — Unbalanced

Dear Un: You are getting in your own way, hon, and seemingly looking with a spyglass for something to muck this up. You make a false assumption that everything in your marriage, for him, would be a rerun. Every remarriage is different from the previous one. (Don't ask me how I know this.) I'm not sure whether insecurity or over-romanticism is guiding your thinking, but you have to get a realistic grasp of mature thinking. A lot of great husbands have ex-wives. — Margo, repetitively

Count Your Blessings, Dear, and Stop Crying

Dear Margo: I was in a relationship with a man for two years. We hit it off instantly, and while our relationship was not perfect, it was by far the best I'd ever had. I went out of my way not to make the typical "girl" mistakes — e.g., I let him say "I love you" first. He asked me to move in with him, and for the first time in my 29 years, I was looking forward to the future. Then, several weeks ago, he said, "I'm ending it. I have the right to end it, and you have no choice but to respect my decision. You can either move on with your life or try to get revenge."

I was mortified and horribly hurt. He has developed a virulent anger toward me that I don't understand. I've called him several times to ask why he is so angry, and he proceeds to call me horrible names and then just hangs up. He won't talk to me or answer my e-mails. There are a lot of things that could have affected his decision, including his history of depression and a Ph.D. he was unable to finish in time. I have done nothing but cry and am losing weight. I guess my primary question is: How should I handle this so I can recover? — Desperate for Answers

Dear Des: I think you should go to the house of worship of your choice and offer thanks. (If you are Wiccan, commune with nature; if you're an atheist, treat yourself to a spa day.) You not only found out in time that this man is unkind, uncommunicative and unpredictable, but in addition, that he takes out his own failures and disappointments on a partner. I'm guessing his mood disorder doesn't help the situation. Stop calling and e-mailing. There's nothing he could tell you that would be useful. Anybody who can turn on a dime is a big red flag on two legs. — Margo, fortunately

You'd Be Better Off Calling 411

Dear Margo: I found out, quite by accident, that my husband was having an affair with his former college girlfriend. The affair had (has?) been going on for more than a year. He says he has broken off contact with her, and I told him I would be willing to go to marriage counseling to work things out. On the other hand, right now, I don't trust him as far as I could throw him. My question is whether or not I should phone her to find out whether the affair is ongoing. If it is, I don't think I should waste my time with a couples' therapist. What do you think? — Angry, Sad and Everything in Between.

Dear Ang: My instinct is that the woman in question would not be a reliable source. For example, one of many Tiger Woods stories is that he enlisted Rachel Uchitel to talk to his wife, Elin, to deny any romantic relationship. If "the other woman" was still involved with your husband, odds are she would say they were not. Such a call from you would be the telephonic equivalent of sending the fox to guard the henhouse. Before you lower the boom, try couples' therapy and see where it takes you. You might learn important things in helping you make the decision about whether to go or stay. Good luck. — Margo, explanatorily

Only One Problem — and It Comes in a Bottle

Dear Margo: My husband and I are 24 years old and still madly in love after five years of marriage and two beautiful kids. We are finally in a stable place financially and career-wise. We only have one major problem. My husband drinks. Not a lot, but at the end of "a long day" or a holiday or a payday or anytime he has extra cash, he buys another bottle of vodka. He doesn't get rip-roaring drunk, just a little "buzzed." He doesn't abuse the kids or me, and financial responsibilities are always taken care of before he buys anything; he just never has cash for extras.

Up until two years ago, he was a frequent pot smoker and was addicted to Oxycontin, which he successfully kicked and says he has no desire to go back to. My childhood was filled with drug-fueled abuse by my father and brother, both of whom are recovered. I now have strong relationships with them, though my dad has lasting mental problems as a result of his drug use. Because of these experiences, I have only been drunk three times, have never smoked anything and have never taken anything stronger than ibuprofen (except during childbirth), which makes people call me "sheltered."

I have talked to my husband about my feelings, but he says I am overreacting, and we fight almost every time he brings home alcohol. I've always heard that those with previous experience with addiction tend to find another addiction, and I'm terrified he'll become an alcoholic. Am I overreacting, or should I just accept this and let it go? — "Sheltered" in Alabama

Dear Shel: There is a saying in the addiction world that if someone close to you thinks it's a problem, it's a problem. Given that your husband kicked two habits already, he may have learned that his is an addictive personality, and he has likely substituted something else: booze. However he managed to get away from pot and Oxy, suggest he repeat the procedure with alcohol. If you need help getting him to understand the dynamics of what is going on, attend both an AA meeting and an Al-Anon meeting together, or as many meetings as it takes. The fact that vodka goes along with the end of "a long day, a holiday, a payday or anytime he has extra cash" doesn't sound like social drinking. — Margo, interpretively

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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