I will concede that most people would struggle mightily to develop the communication and relationship management skills necessary to succeed in open or polyamorous relationships. Many people will fail in such attempts.

When society stigmatized people who came out as gay, many gay people felt they had to pass for straight as long as possible. Current arrangements are no better for people who were not built to pour all their romantic attention into a single individual. A person's sense of obligation or morality may overpower libido for weeks or months, but looking at years and decades has never been realistic and never will be. — Somewhere in the Heartland

Dear Some: Some people agree with you that fidelity is based on insincerity, if not pretense. Many others do not, and they choose to live monogamously. I will say this, however, about your analogy: I believe the gay community will clear all the cultural and societal hurdles and prejudices long before the open marriage or polyamory crowds. — Margo, psychically

What a Guy!

Dear Margo: They say it is best for mothers to butt out, so I have not written a note to my son-in-law to tell him my opinion. I raised my daughter, now 35, as a single mother by choice. My daughter and her husband had a relationship for 12 years before they married. They now have a child, 5, and are expecting a second this spring.

One night they went to a party and brought their son along because it was too late to find a babysitter. My daughter left the party after midnight with her child, and her husband decided to stay. No complaint about this. However, my daughter's husband let them go alone into the streets of Brooklyn to find a taxi. I am very distressed that he did not accompany them to make sure they were safely in a cab.

I've seen firsthand other examples of her husband's behavior that concern me — leaving his underwear on the floor for my daughter to pick up, leaving the baby's dirty diapers for my daughter to take care of after she's finished a 12-hour hospital shift, never saying "thank you" if I have picked up the tab for lunch or dinner when I am in town. But the party incident is, for me, the last straw … until the next straw!

I have discussed all these things with my daughter, but for reasons only she knows, she accepts being the submissive wife. My daughter put herself through college by dint of hard work. Her husband is also fully employed, but has a relatively stress-free, low-energy job compared to the situation my daughter works in. Do you think I should just cc my daughter's husband when I send this e-mail and let the chips fall where they may? — Concerned Mother Glad She Never Married

Dear Con: I say ix-nay to the cc because it will not shape him up, and the "chips" would most likely land on your head. Unfortunately, this chap doesn't sound like the answer to a maiden's prayers, but your daughter picked him, and she has chosen to ignore behavior that you and I would not tolerate. Considering that you've already discussed your distress with your daughter, there is nothing more to do. So, yes, what they say is true: It is best for mothers to butt out. — Margo, wistfully

Prospective Employers and Improper Questions

Dear Margo: Lately, I have been interviewing with prospective employers who are middle-aged men, and they've been asking inappropriate questions. Just because it is a bad economy right now does not mean bad manners are acceptable. Within the first five minutes of these interviews, I am being asked about my marital status, whether I live with someone and have kids, and, the worst: "How are you paying your bills right now?" I almost walked out of the interview on that one. So far I have told them these are not questions they are allowed to ask, and that my financial situation is private. Of course, I did not get these jobs. Please advise on how I might react to these questions in a better way. I rarely mix work with home life or even tell many employees about my life. Thanks for your time and consideration. — Sick of It

Dear Sick: I would say the appropriateness of such questions depends on the industry and the job description. For example, if traveling were part of the job, a prospective employer would legitimately need to gauge the family responsibilities you have. The "living with someone" question is definitely out of bounds. I can't tell whether you think, by the nature of these questions, that these men are hitting on you. If you are drop-dead gorgeous, the answer is probably yes.

Your mentioning the tough economy does suggest that you might want to consider answering questions you do not care for, unless you feel strongly that the answer is nobody's business. Should such a question be asked, however, you might, yourself, ask: "And how is this relevant to the position we're speaking about?" This question does two things: It signals that it may be an improper, if not illegal, question to ask, allowing it to be withdrawn. And it permits the interview to keep going. — Margo, alternatively

Another Way To Say MYOB

Dear Margo: I am a 5-foot-7-inch male in my mid-40s. Recently, my employer had a health fair where I had the chance to get my cholesterol, sugar and weight checked. I weighed 174 pounds! I decided to implement some changes to get back to my preferred weight range of 155 pounds to 160 pounds (and stay there). The problem is the "food police" around me.

When I am at work or at a social event, I choose my food and portion sizes carefully. Why do people feel the need to "evaluate" and comment on what is on my plate? I have heard remarks ranging from "Is that all you're eating?" to "Don't tell me you're on a diet!" — usually accompanied by a sarcastic tone. People who offer unsolicited advice are not necessarily the ones in a position to offer it (if you know what I mean). Could you help with a response that is respectful and polite but at the same time assertive? — On My Way to a Healthy Weight

Dear On: Remarkable, isn't it, how some people think everything is their business? I don't think "respectful" and "polite" are necessary when you're putting someone in his or her place. I would simply suggest to people taking an inventory of your plate that a better opening gambit for social chitchat is "How's it going?" Nowhere is it written that every question deserves an answer. — Margo, correctly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD