Dear Readers: I try to stay away from response letters, for various reasons, but I thought the following letter would be compelling — and perhaps valuable — for what I can safely say is a large army of "other women." This writer is referring to a letter from "the other woman," who is trying to decide whether or not to leave her marriage for a man who is very simpatico, even though he has not committed to leaving his.

Dear Margo: I feel I must respond to "Grieving." I do not feel sorry for you. You chose to have an affair with a married man, and now you are suffering the consequences.

The bottom line is this: My husband is a cheater because he has zero self-esteem. You were not the first, and I'm sure not the last. His inability to achieve intimacy within a marriage is due to his lack of self-respect, as well as his lack of respect for people in general. My choice to stay with him is complicated, but if you think I've won, think again. Good luck, and I hope you learn to have some integrity along the way. — You Know My Name

How Not To Get Caught in the Undertow

Dear Margo: My MIL has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She lost custody of her children when they were preteens for putting them in dangerous situations, such as inviting strange men into her home and dragging them around the country whenever she was having a manic episode. She's extremely manipulative and constantly threatens suicide. She won't take her medicine and refuses any medical help. We have done everything we can to make things easier for her by helping her fill out paperwork, etc. I cannot tell you how many times my husband has had to take a leave of absence from his studies to go find her in some strange state doing something bizarre. (You probably don't want to know more than that.)

When we take trips to see the family, we of course visit. It has gotten to the point that I can barely stand the sight of her. Everyone is scared of telling her anything because of the constant threat of suicide. She is not going to change, and I understand that she has a very real problem, but I don't know how to accept this person in my life. My husband and I have a wonderful communicative relationship, but this has been a real source of contention. Of course, this has taken an emotional toll on my husband, as well. Please help me find some way to accept this. — I Have a Diagnosed Crazy MIL

Dear I: When you write that you take trips to visit the family, this tells me your husband is not out there by himself. I suggest he enlist all the others to pitch in. It is quite clear that your MIL is not going to be able to outrun her illness, so for you, I recommend a support group to help you cope and not ruin your marriage. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at www.nami.org. NAMI is the nation's largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to improving the lives of people living with mental illness and their families. — Margo, hopefully

Slapping Strangers? I Don't Think So.

Dear Margo: I recently moved here from Scotland. I thought you might have some insight into an experience I had involving an American woman's image of her body. I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high-school teacher in her early 30s. We had been talking for a good half-hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We'd even made plans to meet for coffee sometime. Then, things suddenly went downhill.

I commented that she had a "really nice hourglass figure." I thought she would be complimented, but instead she became deeply offended. I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments, but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term "healthy." With a look of complete disgust — WHAP! — she slapped my face and departed. I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgmental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.

She had a classic hourglass figure — large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips and legs. I guess she had interpreted "hourglass" as meaning overweight or full-figured. I just thought it meant shapely. I have her e-mail address. Do you think I should send her an apology? — Kevin

Dear Kev: An apology for what — paying her a compliment she wasn't smart enough to understand? A slap was quite an overreaction. I think in order to slap a stranger in an art gallery, or anywhere, the "offender" would have had to unleash a string of unprintable words, make lewd suggestions and start pulling your hair. You have missed nothing with the dim bulb, who at the very least sounds like a prima donna in training. In sum, I am not in favor of ever slapping a stranger — or, for that matter, a friend. — Margo, corporally

To Close 'Em Down or Tune Out

Dear Margo: I live in the South, where, unfortunately, many people still judge others based solely on their race. I'm currently putting myself through college by working a customer service position at a store, and I am amazed at how many of the customers make racist statements about other customers or about the people in line ahead of them. I really don't know how to respond to these rants, so I usually end up just silently looking at them until they finish talking about how the country would be a better place if "they" would learn English, get a job, learn to be more polite and so on.

These situations make me very uncomfortable. I don't want to be rude to the person talking to me, but I also don't want to imply that I condone this way of thinking by not saying anything. Is there a tactful way to let these people know that I'd rather not listen to their tacky, judgmental statements about people who are of a different race than theirs? — Tired of the Racism

Dear Tired: When you say "customer service," are you manning the complaint desk? If you are and people come up to you to complain about minorities, you can certainly tell them that has nothing to do with either your store or retail in general. I suspect this is not the case, because it would be very strange ... sort of like calling 411 and asking how to unclog a drain.

If people come to your desk with another problem and, en passant, share their bigotry with you, simply stop them and remind them of the nature of your job. And if you're feeling brave, you might add that if more people could figure out how to live comfortably with all kinds of differences, we would all be in better shape. — Margo, deliberatively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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