Dear Margo: I just married my boyfriend of five years. I was 17 when we started dating (he was 22), and he was my first and only. I was told so many times by people (including my parents) that I was too young to be in such a serious relationship. I didn't listen to them, and now I think they were right. I love him, but I regret the missed opportunity of getting out there, being on my own, sowing my wild oats and all that. 

I told my husband repeatedly before we were married that I was interested in sleeping with other people (an open marriage kind of arrangement).

Since then I've discovered I'm into some light kinks, like hair pulling and being restrained (just handcuffs would work), but when I ask my husband to try these things, he either ignores my requests or doesn't get into it. Here's the rub: Even though he's older than I am, he's just as immature (I was his first relationship, too), and he's crazy about me, as undeserving as I am. He has said many times that he'd kill himself if he didn't have me; that I am the only thing that makes his life worthwhile. I don't want to be responsible for killing him, but I keep thinking life is too short to spend with someone who's not compatible, no matter how sweet they are. I want to do the right thing by him. I just don't know where to start. — Stupid Kid

Dear Stu: I think you start by telling him "the grownups" were right; it was too soon, and you are ending it with a heavy heart. Given what you tell me, this is not the marriage for you, or him, and because it is recent, I'm betting you could get an annulment. Perhaps your telling him you slept with someone may make your departure easier for him, if not mandatory. As for his saying he literally couldn't live without you, a lover's threat of suicide is somewhat standard, if one may say that about such a dramatic intimidation. You may tire of the hair pulling and the handcuffs, but then again, you may not. I hope your next decision works out better. — Margo, sensibly

Petty People Running Parties

Dear Margo: I was invited to a Facebook Event a month and a half in advance — 60 guests, a bonfire on a farm, bring your own lawn chair and beverage and a dish to share for a potluck supper. I declined and posted a polite message. A week later, my schedule changed and I wanted to change my RSVP to yes, but the event administrator (a friend?) removed me from the guest list. He now refuses to allow me to attend, stating: "Once you say no, you cannot change your mind." His rule of etiquette. I would be grateful for any advice and your "etiquette opinion," please. — Lady in Rochester, Minn.

Dear Lady: Your friend (?) is a jerk and way out of line. Mind you, this is a Facebook Event, not a debutante ball — where it still would have been all right to change your mind one week after your initial response and five weeks in advance of the event! I'm sure you don't need me to remind you that this is a potluck picnic with BYOB and BYOC (bring your own chair). If you are inclined to go, and since everybody is bringing their own refreshments (and chair!), show up if you feel like it, if these are your friends. Or ... you could burn some trash in your backyard and have your own bonfire. In other words, I don't think you'll be missing much. — Margo, dubiously

The Old Plus-One Question

Dear Margo: A friend is getting married. I asked when the invitations were going out so I would have time to find a date, and she informed me that since I don't have a serious significant other, I will not be afforded a "plus one" and must go to the wedding alone. I'll be seated with two mutual friends, but otherwise, I won't know any other guests. All of my acquaintances are in the bridal party and will therefore not be sitting with the regular guests.

She told me only people in long-term relationships were getting a plus-one invitation, and that she thought it would be unfair to other people if I could bring some "random warm body." I thought this was rather rude. I've always been given the plus-one option at every other wedding I've attended (and they were all nice, modest weddings with tight budgets). Is it too much to assume that being invited to a wedding means I can bring a date? I'm feeling a bit miffed, but I don't know a lot about wedding etiquette. Am I overreacting? — Alone at the Wedding

Dear Al: I do think you are overreacting. "Plus one" is always the hostess's call. And it's not as though you will have parachuted in from Anchorage and know not a soul. You know the bridal party, and you will be seated with mutual friends. Weddings, by the way, are often lucky venues for meeting new people. So who knows? Going with no date may just provide you with an interesting "random warm body." — Margo, socially

Being Witness to a Lousy Marriage

Dear Margo: I've been friends with a woman since high school, and I became friends with her husband, as well. I visit them many times a year and stay for a couple of days. I thought we were all good friends. One thing that's always bothered me, though, is the contemptuous way he sometimes talks to her. He can be wonderful and sweet and romantic, but when he's in a bad mood, he lectures her constantly about small things with varying degrees of anger in his voice. This becomes hard for me to listen to, and I avoid them for a while.

This past week, I was visiting, and there was a day when he was criticizing her nonstop. Toward the end of the evening, he blew up at her over something trivial, and I couldn't be around it anymore and left. When I got home, I e-mailed him saying I was bothered by his behavior and asked if he could not do it anymore when I am present. Now he is angry with me, doesn't see anything wrong with how he behaves and thinks I've been pretending to be his friend this whole time. Did I do something wrong? Ideally, I would like to remain friends with both of them. — Feeling Awkward

Dear Feel: Why? This man turns on a dime, and she puts up with it. Added to which, now that you have voiced your discomfort, he's decided you're the great pretender. I have found that hanging around with couples who have troubled marriages is hazardous to one's emotional well-being. So as not to totally say goodbye to your high school friend of many years, perhaps take the advice of Victor Borge. He said Santa Claus had the right idea: He visited people only once a year. — Margo, retreatingly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD