Dear Margo: My husband of 16 years and I are having a problem. Or maybe I am the one with the problem. He has two older brothers and a younger sister. His sister is visiting from Puerto Rico and has been staying with us for the past two weeks. I've noticed that he pays extra attention to her and none to me. He follows her upstairs and waits for her to finish showering and dressing and doesn't come down until she does. When she arrives home after visiting with friends, his face lights up and he is so interested to hear about her night out. He sits very close to her on the sofa and at the dinner table. And he is always touching her, rubbing her back and her feet and washing her laundry — making sure not to damage her delicate items (panties, nighties, etc.).

I'm feeling very insecure about his behavior. He doesn't do those things for me and shows no affection toward me unless it's sexual, and even then I'm the one to initiate it. I would like to know whether I'm being hypersensitive, or is his behavior inappropriate? Should I tell him how I've been feeling? — So Jealous

Dear So: This is his sister? The behavior sounds over-solicitous, to say the least. What is going on makes him sound like a cross between a gay butler (who is a masseur on the side) and a brother with incestuous feelings. What is key to know is whether he has always talked about his younger sister in an older brother, doting manner, and if previous visits have played out this way. I would by all means bring to his attention that the difference in the way he treats his sister as compared to his wife is causing you to have second thoughts about the raison d'etre of your marriage. Good luck with this one. It sounds pretty off to me. — Margo, curiously

Managing Clingy Parents

Dear Margo: I went to school about three hours from my parents, and my boyfriend went to the same school — about five hours from his parents. We chose this school because it gave us opportunities that we would not have had staying close to home. We both graduated two years ago and worked hard for great jobs with fantastic companies that allowed us to stay in the same town as our college.

The problem is that each family wants us to visit more than we already do. We're both working to get ahead in our careers, while maintaining good relationships with our friends in town. We visit both families for Thanksgiving and Christmas, while also visiting each family four more times a year. Comparably, our parents rarely come to visit; the last time we entertained one of our families was more than a year ago.

How can we impress upon our parents that we're doing the best we can, while explaining that trips home use up valuable vacation time, take us away from routine maintenance around the home we share and are generally a cost we can't afford while saving for a wedding and a starter home? The guilt is eating me up. — Trying To Please Everyone but Ourselves

Dear Try: Lose the guilt, honey. From this outsider's point of view, you are doing right by both sets of parents, and they need to get with the program that you two are grownups who are trying to build a life and careers. Tell them you'd love to see them more in your town, but your combined visits to both families are all that you can manage. If they continue to rag on you, do the emotional version of la la la la la la la. — Margo, guiltlessly

Death Be Not Proud -- or Predictable

Dear Margo: Six years ago, my father passed away suddenly at the young age of 49. He and my mother had been married 29 years and had a wonderful, loving relationship. Despite initial grief counseling and antidepressants, my mother is still suffering from debilitating grief. She refuses to attend therapy, claiming it doesn't work. The antidepressants make little difference in her mood, and when she randomly decides to go off her medicine, it creates dramatic and horrifying situations for all involved (locking herself in the house, screaming at everyone, etc.).

I love my mom and miss my father, but her behavior has nearly destroyed our once close mother-daughter relationship. She attacks me verbally and constantly berates my life and personal decisions. She suffers from frequent emotional outbursts that leave no family member unscathed. Her sisters and my brother and I have begged her to seek help, and I've called her general practitioner; he, too, has advised her to seek help, but to no avail. I carry tremendous guilt, feeling that as an adult daughter I should do more or sacrifice my own life and happiness to make sure she isn't alone. I am in therapy just to figure out how to carry her grief and pain, on top of my own. Where do I go from here? — Newly Motherless Daughter

Dear New: This is not about you, and you cannot fix things you can't control. Your mother sounds as if she is exhibiting both chronic grief and exaggerated grief. Since she will not seek guidance or try to get herself out of this hole of mourning, forget about sacrificing yourself. Six years is far outside the norm for such suffering, so in a way, remaining inconsolable is her choice. She may feel a twisted need to demonstrate her love in this manner. Because you cannot physically mandate her to take meds or give a shrink a chance, save yourself, keep some distance, and understand that in an odd way, your father took your mother with him. — Margo, sympathetically

When a Mother Is into Storybook Marriages

Dear Margo: I am a woman in my 20s. I graduated from college, took a couple of years off to work and am now in graduate school. I have a great family, fiance and job. My relationship is healthy, and I very much look forward to married life and children. The issue? My mother refuses to accept my relationship.

My fiance is an immigrant who is a hardworking individual. He came here in his early teens and, therefore, has less education than I do. My mother says he is not good enough for me and continues to disapprove. The day we announced our engagement, she proceeded to tell him to his face everything she had told me in private. I know mothers have a right to voice their opinions, but at this point, I am ready to live my life. Am I being silly in thinking that two people from different backgrounds can make a relationship successful? Am I being naive in defending my relationship? — Good Daughter Making One "Bad" Choice

Dear Good: I will not bore you with the successful marriages I know of where the partners had unequal educations, or the divorces I know about where, on paper, the partners looked perfectly suited. Love is not about any of those things, and successful marriages often depend on luck. If the two of you are comfortable with the disparity in background and education, that is good enough for me. Many people grow in a marriage, so you might tell your mother to withhold her judgment. The bottom line for me is whether the two of you feel confident about making a future together. If your mother continues to make noise, tune her out for the time being, and tell her you are going forward. — Margo, positively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD