Dear Margo: I am a young (early 20s) Muslim woman. For more than 10 years, I chose to wear a scarf on my head, but my problem is that I don't want to wear it anymore. I started wearing it on my own because I believed in it, but I've been reconsidering for several years now after much thought and study.

I wish I could just take it off, but there are problems. One, my family is very religious and would freak out if I did. (I tried to bring up the subject once, and they were horrified.) I am a college grad currently looking for a job but haven't found one yet, so I'm stuck at home and, therefore, financially dependent on them.

Dear To: As you know, this issue is a hot-button subject both here and abroad. Some people feel that Muslims in the U.S. should dress as we do. Others feel one's religion is something you carry with you, wherever you are. In your particular case, because you are living at home and the issue has great import for your family (as well as your community), I would continue wearing the scarf. Should you, however, in the future find yourself living apart from them, in a different community, that, I think, would be the time to do as you like. — Margo, situationally

A Tough Spot To Be In

Dear Margo: I have known "Ryan" for about seven years and have been in love with him for a year. He was a senior during my freshman year of high school, and we've always kept in contact. We talk every day throughout the day, from morning until one of us falls asleep at night. We have been there for each other (not in the same town) through relationships, and we both want the same things in life.

I finally told him I like him, but he said our situation is a recipe for disaster. We are about two hours away from each other, and he is about to graduate from college, while I am slowly paying my way through. This is the most wonderful man I've ever known and the only one to meet the "qualities" list I made after my last relationship. My question is: Could our relationship make it, or is he right that it would only end with broken hearts? I love this man, and I will remain his friend, but my heart longs for so much more, and so does he. — Longing for His Heart in Texas

Dear Long: Alas, I am not in a position to predict success in a possible relationship. Actually, no one is. I suspect you are alone on this romantic track. When you say "so does he" in regard to longing for more, I would beg to differ. If he were interested in going in that direction, he would. I suspect he has great platonic affection for you but does not feel the romantic piece. Time may change his mind, I don't know. If it's too difficult for you to have the daily check-ins, perhaps take a break from them. And do bear in mind an old saying that makes a lot of sense: It is easier to ride a horse in the direction in which it is going. — Margo, empathetically

'Love You' But Not 'In Love with You'

Dear Some: It seems to me that any woman married 50 years whose heart still skips a beat when her husband enters a room is in love. You do raise an interesting linguistic point, though. I guess my distaste for that phrase in domestic situations comes from the frequency with which I hear it. Most often, people use it as a "delicate" way of announcing that they are on the way out — and the reason is usually something, or somebody, else.

I think to feel "in love" with someone may be the beginning of love — the active, high-pitched part. You could be right that a crush or an infatuation could be construed as the "in love" part. Although once beyond the initial red-hot phase of a romance that matures, anyone who expects to feel that way forever is either not psychologically astute or has seen too many B movies. Thanks for the chance to talk about this. — Margo, musingly

OCD and Other People

Dear Margo: I am a 26-year-old man with problems in social situations due to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is manageable except for really bad days, and I am discussing my issues with a psychiatrist. The condition was always present, but until I graduated college two years ago and started working, it was kept under control by contact with close friends. Now I live in a different state, and all my friends are far away, so I end up spending most of my free time alone. Meeting people is not easy. Dating has always been an issue, too. I've been celibate for five years. This past weekend, I visited my family, and the OCD was acting up. I need people to be careful of how they speak to me: Be attentive. Don't baby me. Be assertive when you have to be, but it's OK if you disagree with me; just respect my experience.

One problem is that I'm compelled to balance my lack of control over my environment with an internal resolution: I just walk away and sit by myself. This is more acceptable than bouts of anger. Recently, I met a woman I am interested in, and I plan to ask her out. But again, as with my family, I know that there are rules she needs to follow in order to get along with me. It is a struggle changing my behavior for the comfort of others, and doing so adds to my anxiety. I accept people for who they are, but the question on my mind is: Can they accept me? How do I let my family and any potential girlfriend know to take it easy on me without making them feel like they're walking on eggshells? — Good Guy

Dear Good: Good luck explaining to a new woman friend that "there are rules she needs to follow." Sadly, you are the one with the problem, so it must be you who strives to modify your behavior. What might be useful would be to try cognitive behavior therapy to figure out triggers for your anxiety and anger and learn alternative ways to react. I am assuming your psychiatrist has you on anti- anxiety meds. I would suggest that you ask your doc to suggest a CBT therapist. Difficult though it may be, the ball is in your court. — Margo, realistically

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD