Dear Margo: I'm not sure how to handle this. My father went to prison when I was 2 months old. My mom and maternal grandparents made sure I had a relationship with him through phone calls and letters my whole life. (I was never very close to his family.) I was told early on what he did, and I've worked through it.

After 22 years and eight parole hearings, he's been granted parole and will be home with my paternal grandparents in October. I'm happy and excited, but he's understandably trying to make up for lost time.

He has two older sons, one of whom passed away and the other wants nothing to do with any of us. So it's all on me. He has said, "Your mother had the first 22 holidays; I get the next 22," and he expects me to spend the entire first week he's home at my grandparents' house with him. He says only if I'm comfortable -- but he'll be upset if I don't.

First, I am very close to my mom and younger siblings. I love holidays, I love our traditions, and I don't want to give that up. I have a whole life he's never been a part of. As for staying with him, I'm uncomfortable at my grandparents' house. I work full time, go to school and have my own house with my fiance. I just think he's wanting a lot more than I am comfortable giving right now. I know I'm his "little girl," and I don't want to hurt him, but we're never going to have the father/daughter relationship he wants. What I need to know is how to tell him. -- Daddy's Grownup Girl

Dear Dad: I think you should tell him what you told me. It will take guts, but you need to articulate that you have reached the age of maturity, you are engaged, you are very close to your mother, and he needs to revise his idea that, in essence, the next 22 years belong to him. You were an infant when he did whatever he did, and he must respect your timetable in feeling your way into a relationship. If he doesn't understand, explain that he's been away for so long that it would be impossible to just pretend no time has passed. Don't be manipulated. If he becomes aggressive about it, remind him of where he was. It's not like he was on a long business trip, and you won't upend your life just because he's out of the clink. -- Margo, definitively

Women Are Not Reform Schools

Dear Margo: I married a good man less than a year ago, knowing that he had drug and alcohol problems. These issues mostly stem from the fact that he self-medicates his severe anxiety, but they are also unfortunately prevalent in his No. 1 hobby (music), so they are around him all the time. Although this situation has improved drastically since we first met, the fact is that it's still an issue. I want a family, and I'm getting tired of this being a problem. Is it fair to give him a "me or the drugs" ultimatum if I knew he was this way when I married him? -- Need Hugs, Not Drugs

Dear Need: Whether or not you knew of his drug and alcohol dependency before you married has nothing to do with giving him an ultimatum. The problem is that getting an ultimatum is never enough for anyone to gain control of an addiction. What you might do is tell him that although there's been some improvement, you don't feel you can go ahead and start a family until his substance abuse is no longer a problem for you.

One place to start is for him to see a psychiatrist or a psychopharmacologist about meds for anxiety. Then invite him to try AA. (Many musicians, by the way, are 12-steppers.) After you suggest that your husband become a friend of Bill W.'s, you should go to Al-Anon, and then you will have a clearer idea of how you want to proceed. -- Margo, positively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

Dealing with Dying Friends

Dear Margo: I have a good friend who's dying. We've been friends for decades, and she's very dear to me. Unfortunately, she spends most of her time being furious and semi-abusive to the people who love her the most. I tend to argue with her about it, reminding her that she's talking about people who love her and are well-meaning. Other friends just nod and listen and reinforce her growing misanthropy. I just hate to see this increasing bitterness (which is exactly how my own mother died, I should add). Should I just listen and not judge — or speak up occasionally? — Another Well-Meaning Friend

Dear An: I think of the old Russian expression, "Once your head is cut off, there's no use crying about your hair." The personality that you knew is no longer. Your friend is dying, and I suspect it is about that that she is furious. There is nothing you — or any other friend — can offer that will change her outlook or her mood. She is angry, which is unfortunate for her and a hell of a way to make an exit, but that's the way it is.

It sounds as though you have already "spoken up," so I think the real act of friendship is just to listen. I do buy the idea that we all die alone, but in the run-up to that, everyone reveals their inner philosophy, whether meaning to or not. Hang in there, and try to sustain yourself with memories of the good days. — Margo, fatalistically

When Your Ears Are Part of Your Outfit

Dear Margo: A friend of my husband is getting married. I barely know the man, and I've met the intended bride twice. A verbal invitation was extended to both of us. Oh, by the way, the bride requested that I not wear my ears to the wedding.

Several years ago, my husband bought me a headband with little tiger ears on it. Ever since he put it on me, I've worn my ears everywhere, including to two weddings and a funeral. I've made them a part of my identity — my personal trademark, if you will. Going anywhere without my ears makes me feel self-conscious and only partially dressed.

My initial reaction was to wear the ears anyway, but then I realized I am not exactly obligated to attend the wedding. I'm not close to the bride or groom, but my husband considers the groom to be a good friend; the invitation included me out of common courtesy. Perhaps I should keep my sulky, uncooperative self at home, even though my husband would prefer I suck it up and go. I have some months to think about it. What's your take? — M.R.S.

Dear M.: Maybe you and I are on the same wavelength, or maybe we're both nuts, but I think your trademark ears are a hoot. And who doesn't love individuality — besides the bride? Seeing as how you wear them everywhere, I wouldn't dream of suggesting you leave them at home for the upcoming nuptials. (Do go, by the way.)

Odd of the bride to suggest what you wear and what you leave home, but let's assume she will be so engrossed in the festivities that she will not notice. And to be realistic: Little tiger ears are much less attention-getting than big, floppy bunny ears. At least with your little tiger ears, no one can say you are celebrating Halloween early or reliving your days as a waitress at a Playboy club. — Margo, individually

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.