Dear Margo: I am a married mother of three in my mid-30s. Recently, a woman in her 50s contacted me via Facebook to let me know she believes that we are half-sisters, via my dad. Dad, who is 75, was in his 30s when he married my mom. This woman, who was given up for adoption when she was born, believes she is the product of a relationship between her bio mom and my dad. I do know that my dad had a relationship with the bio mother when he was in his late teens and early 20s, as her name and photograph are in one of my grandmother's albums.

I do believe this woman is legitimate in her claim, although I guess only a DNA test would prove whether her mom was exclusive with my dad at the time. Through her bio mom, she learned about my dad, his subsequent marriage and additional children (my sister and me). She seems stable enough — married with children, working as an attorney — and I think she is contacting me out of curiosity more than anything. She stated that she does not wish to upset my parents and has no plans to contact either of them.

My quandary is this: I am not particularly interested in this woman or her life. I believe that we are likely half-sisters, but don't really care to connect with her or her family. I am tempted to e-mail her back and say that while she seems like a lovely person, I have no interest in meeting her or even having a Facebook relationship with her. I am also uncertain as to whether or not I should mention this to my parents. I am sure they know about her, as she said that her mother harassed my parents for years after they were married. How would you proceed? — Uninterested in Broadening the Family

Dear Un: Fine with me if you do not pursue this. The e-mail you are thinking of writing sounds efficient and honest. Nowhere is it written that one must acquiesce to the wishes of other people. As for telling your parents, I would skip that. They know she's around, and I think by not mentioning this you will spare them the angst of knowing that you know. Feel free to share this with your sister so you will have an outlet. — Margo, supportively

Lohengrin & Mom

Dear Margo: I am a bride-to-be, and my problem has nothing to do with the groom, in-laws, bridesmaids, finances or family feuds. The problem will be my mother — or MOB, as she has taken to calling herself. She is bipolar II (the more stable kind, tending toward hypomania) and is quite the scene stealer. Not to be reliant on cliches, but this is meant to be "my day," and I have no idea how to rein my mother in, short of slipping a horse tranquilizer into her coffee. Any suggestions will be appreciated. — Belinda

Dear Bel: I had never heard of bipolar II, so thanks for the impetus to look it up. It actually sounds to me like the MOB has MDD — Modesty Deficit Disorder. In your particular situation, I would recommend "guards," by which I mean close friends or family who are assigned to monitor your mother. They can either distract her, gently encourage her to pipe down or remind her that the spotlight needs to be on the bride. As for you, once the "assignments" have been made, I would embrace the WW II slogan: "Keep calm and carry on." — Margo, assertively

A Not So New Wrinkle

Dear Margo: You might say my problem falls under the heading of bioethics. The subject is that of surrogate parenting in developing countries.

My two children and I live in an apartment building, a friendly one. One couple in our building, well into their 50s, announced the impending arrival of their baby, which was conceived with the husband's sperm overseas. A neighbor decided to host a baby shower when they brought the baby home. This neighbor said my daughter and I would be invited because family members on both sides were so upset and shocked by the whole thing that no one was acknowledging the event.

Well, it turns out that taking care of the baby is hard for them. Previously, they just had a cat. I have seen the father at the playground reading a book while his now toddler daughter is on the jungle gym. My son, being a 10-year-old boy, assumed the father had an affair with a strange woman. Because he's a bright and scientific type, I explained the situation. I explained that scientist-doctors in India handled it in a laboratory.

I'm just wondering what you think of this. Apparently, it is very expensive to get a surrogate American mother, so this "international/intercultural approach" is what these folks decided on. And ... they confided in our neighbor that they are planning another one. They say the second one is much cheaper! I remember Ann Landers and her MYOB, which I totally agree with, but I'm curious about your opinion of surrogate parenting in developing countries. The phenomenon of "older" women and men who want to be parents is also bothering me. — Curious

Dear Cur: Although these issues are academic for both of us, here's what I think. The trend toward older parents is quite real, only partially because of older men remarrying younger women. (That way, only one parent is mistaken for the grandparent.) I guess my answer would be to quote a young woman of my acquaintance, 13 when her 80-year-old father died: "There ought to be a law against geezers having children." There does seem to be a selfish aspect involved. As for Third World surrogacy, this is clearly a market-driven issue, and mixed-race adopted children are now quite common. — Margo, acceptingly

No Martha Stewart, She

Dear Margo: I had to deal with something that struck me as kind of weird. My husband and I are graduate students living in married housing at our university. There is a nice enough girl I see sometimes at the mailboxes or in the hall. (We live on the same floor.) First, she asked me if I could show her how to use the wash machines and dryers. (She couldn't figure out how the quarters worked or where to put the soap!) Then she asked if I would show her how to work her stove. At least she knew how to make ice. I helped her with the things she didn't understand, but how can you be in your 20s and not know such things? I didn't feel comfortable asking her how it is that she knows nothing about keeping house. (And who knows what she'll need lessons in next?) What do you make of this? — Bemused

Dear Be: Oh, my. Maybe this girl was raised in a castle and knew not how things worked "below stairs." She certainly had a sheltered upbringing — or at least her mother had a maid. (And clearly her husband didn't marry her for her housekeeping.)

The lesson here, I guess, is that not everybody knows everything. I must say that your neighbor reminds me of my most favorite story (apocryphal, to be sure). A dowager one day saw a pile of fall leaves on her neighbor's lawn. She was heard to ask one of her staff, "How beautiful! Where do you get them?" So just laugh, kiddo, and pass on your domestic goddess information, remembering that certain things are just beyond some people's experience. — Margo, domestically

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD