Dear Margo: I am stressing about Thanksgiving. My mother, who passed away last year, always gave the Thanksgiving Day dinner for our family. Sentimentally, I suppose, I assumed I would take it over. But my mother's bossy sister (my aunt) announced that she would be this year's hostess. Both her personality and her age prevented me from making a to-do about it. As you know, the holiday itself is fraught, but I would still like to have the tradition continue at my house. How can I get the turkey back for next year? — Squelched

Dear Squelch: You are right that this year is shot. After the holiday has come and gone, tell your aunt you had always wanted to continue your mother's tradition and hope she's OK with that for next year. If she gives you trouble, then suggest that the two of you alternate years. (At some point, it will be all yours. Ahem.)

I must say I salute your desire to be the hostess. Being of a guest mentality myself, I am full of admiration for you. As for this particular holiday being fraught, yes indeedy. Between step-people and sibling rivalry and Jim Beam, these dinners can be quite something. — Margo, thankfully

When the Boss Is a Creep — and Is Also Your Pastor

Dear Margo: I'm a 28-year-old female, and I love my job overseeing volunteers and communications at a food pantry in a mainline Protestant church. Unfortunately, I loathe my boss, the middle-aged male pastor. He's well-intentioned and kind to parishioners, but has no sense of social boundaries. He tells me about his bouts with irritable bowel syndrome, though I've tried calmly explaining that I'm uncomfortable with the topic. (I once even screamed, "Eeeewww, stop!") I might as well be talking to myself. He always returns to his gross-out tales. And he exhibits inappropriate interest in my life.

Two months ago, a male friend picked me up from work when my car was in the shop. Several months prior, the pastor ran into this same friend and me having a drink. These two encounters have led the pastor to believe, despite my protestations, that the friend and I are conducting a love affair and will soon ask him to officiate our wedding! He tells church members and volunteers, "She says he's not her boyfriend, but I don't believe her." I tried explaining that I don't wish to discuss my dating life with him. When I first said this, his answer was, "Are you two having problems?"

The last straw came yesterday. My office shares a thermostat with the church library, and I tend to keep my thermostat set quite high. He came in and asked if I'd mind turning it lower because the women meeting in the library were too warm — probably complaining because of "the change." I found this sexist, intrusive and uncomfortably close to disregarding their opinions because they're supposedly hormonal. I don't feel exactly sexually harassed — it's more like he's clueless. I hesitate on going to his superiors because I'm sure that would result in disciplinary action out of proportion with his behavior. (The denomination takes anything that smacks of harassment extremely seriously.) He's not a bad guy, and I don't want to wreck his career, but help! — Nobody's Business

Dear No: My, he sounds like he's in the sixth grade. His remarks suggest he has poor judgment, is not too bright or is a case of arrested development — perhaps all three. Because you have tried to deal directly with him about his inappropriate chit-chat (and failed), I would go to his superior and frame the complaint not as one of harassment, but of unwelcome and too personal commentary. I am pretty sure he will only listen to a superior. And just so you'll feel better about going over his head, I feel certain no church benefits from a pastor who is regarded as creepy. Do remember that motive is all. You are not trying to make trouble for this man; you are trying to clean up the pastoral environment. — Margo, proactively

Dating

Dear Margo: Several months ago, I started dating a really great guy. We enjoy the time we spend together and have lots of fun. However, his best friend and that man's fiancee are a big part of his life, and it seems to be expected that when he hangs out with his friend, the fiancee and I will spend that time together. She is a nice person and a wonderfully dedicated mother to their "unexpected" 2-year-old daughter. But she frequently talks about her regrets that she had to leave school, how she loves to "go wild" when she doesn't have her daughter around (drinking/smoking) and how she never wanted the life she has until she'd reached certain goals, etc.

I understand that things have not turned out the way she had hoped, but I am uncomfortable hearing that nothing is the way she wanted, yet she "loves" the way things turned out. (If she loves it so much, why talk down about it all the time?) I try to minimize the time we spend together and redirect the conversation along other paths, but inevitably the same old same old keeps coming up, so I'm hoping for suggestions about making the time less trying. — Forcing Friendship

Dear Force: The main thing you have to do is inform your boyfriend that you have no problem with him spending time with his buddy, but you can no longer be expected to entertain his friend's intended when they do get together. Assuming (hoping) that going forward you will mostly be with this girl in a foursome, one would hope her fiance's presence would inhibit her talk of regrets. (She is clearly conflicted, by the way, about what is going on in her life.) As for your boyfriend's approach, I am never in favor of having anyone dictate someone else's social life. I would nip this in the bud. — Margo, independently

For a While We Were, and Then We Weren't

Dear Margo: My husband and I have been best buds with another couple for five years. We were a very comfortable foursome, and the wife and I were real pals. Our kids are in the same school, so family outings were always part of the friendship. I am uncertain about how or why things tanked, but a definite chill has settled in on the relationship. Before, there was a relaxed give and take. Now, trying to initiate dates always comes from us (or me), and they are always "busy" in a way they never used to be. I've tried to bring up the "new developments" with the wife, but she said nothing had changed, that they just have more demands on their time. She is clearly not going to clue me in. I am somewhere between curious and hurt. Any ideas as to what sent this lovely friendship off the rails? — Feeling Adrift

Dear Feel: What caused the fade out? Maybe lust, avarice, sloth, Happy & Doc? Some things are just unknowable, my dear. You have clearly tried to get some answers, but that got you nowhere. In situations like this, you can imagine everything under the sun and still not be sure what the issue was. For whatever reason, they tired of the togetherness. Perhaps they felt you were moving in on them and they wanted to broaden their social life. I have no way of knowing. For peace of mind, I would suggest you and your husband just chalk it up to a friendship that wore out. Not everything lasts. Trying to parse a relationship with a mysterious demise is simply a time waster. — Margo, rationally

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.