Some of these people, I've learned, have side businesses selling their finds on eBay. I don't know what to think. On the one hand, my reasons for donating to the shop were to get rid of things I didn't want and to benefit the fire department. These objectives, I guess, were achieved. I also believe that when you give something, you give it with no strings attached. On the other hand, I don't think it's fair for the less affluent people who patronize the shop to never get a chance at anything nice, so I feel sort of funny about giving them anything more. — Anne

Dear Anne: Your letter rings a bell. A girlfriend recently told me she had discovered the same thing with the thrift shop in her town. I can understand your feelings of pique at the inequality involved in the operation. What these volunteers are doing is self-serving, annoying and understandable, and probably speaks to human nature. You might suggest, referencing the better quality items you donated, that this shop consider a boutique idea. You could also stop giving them things for resale. The bottom line, however, is that if these items are priced fairly, someone is going to buy them; the intended beneficiary profits; and the practice of "insider trading" (getting first dibs) could be regarded as the incentive for people to volunteer in the first place. — Margo, alternatively

Weirded Out in the Teacher's Lounge

Dear Margo: This is really above my pay grade, and I had no idea how to respond. Not only has this never happened to me, but I've never heard of such a thing before.

I am a fairly new teacher in a private school. (And this is my first teaching job.) An older woman teacher here took me aside in the teacher's lounge to ask "a favor." She and her husband were having a rough time, she said. They couldn't seem to agree on anything, and she asked whether I would consider being a "mediator" as a neutral third party. She said they didn't trust marriage counselors. I was just stunned and said I didn't think it would be comfortable for me or positive for them. What do you think is going on here? — Needing Insight

Dear Need: All I can say for sure is that this woman does not have very good judgment. On the plus side, she probably decided you had good sense and would make a suitable referee. I actually don't know which would be a worse idea: to ask someone the couple knew well or to ask a relative stranger. In any case, you escaped jury duty, so let it ride and hope she does, too. — Margo, bizarrely

Other People's Sex Lives

Dear Margo: As a bi woman, I've encountered prejudice from homosexuals and heterosexuals.

I was startled and hurt the first time I heard a rant against bisexuality from a lesbian (on a gay and lesbian radio program, no less). Although there is less hostility now, the ugly misconceptions just do not seem to falter. I'm not on a crusade — I've lived a free and full life among people for whom this is not an issue. I am thinking of the young bi folks who don't leave home at the age of 17, as I did in 1962, to live freely in an urban (and urbane) setting. The harder society makes it for people to acknowledge their non-heterosexuality, the more desperate people there will be. Do you see an end to all this commotion about people's sexuality? — Elizabeth

Dear El: The short answer is a qualified "no." People will always be interested in minding other people's business. While it is a career for me, it is a pastime for many. Then, too, sex as a topic has a certain grip on everyone because it is so basic. Things have greatly improved, to be sure, but there will always be people who are narrow-minded, bigoted, judgmental or influenced by a literal reading of the Bible ... even though the "good book" contradicts itself in many instances.

To be a gay youngster these days, however, is waaay better than when you and I were young. There are now laws and clubs, and there is even a certain cache. To be closeted is nowhere near the necessity it once was. As for bisexuality, I think there is perhaps some degree of that in everyone's psychological makeup — which might be why it is problematic for a lot of people. Why homosexuals would be prejudiced against those who are bi is beyond me. Perhaps they concur with the notion that people who identify as bi are unwilling to fess up to homosexuality. Me, I'm for "live and let live." — Margo, nonjudgmentally

What if You're Not a Missionary?

Dear Margo: I'm in such a quandary. I'm in my late 30s, married 10 years to my hubby who is in his early 40s. He's a great guy and a wonderful father to our two children. Our marriage is good on all fronts but one. While my libido appears to be growing, his appears to be slowing — noticeably. In addition, my sense of adventure in the bedroom is expanding, and I find myself interested in other types of play. Yet he has decided that missionary is it and that a "lady" should not have these desires. This means our infrequent liaisons are less than satisfying.

I can honestly say that every other aspect of our relationship is really good. I think we're both too young to spend the rest of our years like this, but I don't know what to do about it. To make matters worse, I recently had an online chat with someone in another country that grew quite steamy. While I have never done anything of that nature before, I found it thrilled me. Despite my shame at the emotional affair, I can't get this encounter out of my mind. What to do and where to turn? — Frustrated in Texas

Dear Frus: One thing you can do is knock off the cyber edition of phone sex with the foreign stranger. While it may be somewhat fulfilling, it is not helpful. What will be more productive (minus the guilt and shame) would be to hunt up either a marriage counselor or a sex therapist. The first item of business would be to educate your husband about what "ladies" do and don't do, which might require some therapy on his own to deal with what sounds like a whore/Madonna complex. I suspect there could be resistance to therapy, but it's important to let him know that you are both missing a part of what marriage can be, and that you are interested in expanding your horizons and would like to do it with him. — Margo, expansively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.