We're in our early 20s, so naturally, we like to hit up the bars every now and then and get a little tipsy. We're young! It's allowed. If she gets drunk with her girlfriends, he gets mad. Then he says, "It's not that I don't trust you; it's that I don't trust other people. I don't want anyone taking advantage of you." Then she tells me, "I understand why he's upset."

Am I nuts, or does this sound like the precursor to "I understand why he beats me"? When I first met him, I did not get good vibes, and every time I've gotten bad vibes from someone, I've been right. (Call it a gift.) What can I do to help her realize this guy is bad for her? She knows he is a jerk. She's even said it. But then she says she "loves him" and wants to marry him. She deserves much better. — Worried Best Friend

Dear Wor: Your friend sounds desperate and masochistic in the bargain. The only thing I can say for this chap is that his unhappiness with his girlfriend getting smashed is understandable. (Some people find drunks loathsome, and I am one of them.) The rest of it doesn't sound good — especially her making excuses for him and subjecting herself to his remodeling program. From what you report, he is a controlling hothead, but as is usually the case, your friend will have to arrive at that realization herself. Stop trying to change her mind — because you can't. These situations are do-it-yourself projects. And I suspect your record for being right about bad vibes will remain unblemished. — Margo, historically

People Tend To Do What They Want To Do

Dear Margo: My son was married four years ago and was fortunate enough to have a beautiful wedding. They received many lovely gifts. Well, now he is marrying again, this time to a gal who has never been married before. My question is: How do I handle the gift situation with my friends who already gave him gifts the first time around? Do I handwrite on the invitations that go to my friends "no gifts please"? — Wanting To Be Correct

Dear Want: You are nice to try to spare your friends a second trip to Crate and Barrel, but I am never in favor of gift instructions on wedding invitations, unless they are to contribute to a charity of the couple's choosing (which is happening more and more with the previously married). And I will tell you something else. Some of your friends will want to send a little something in honor of your son's new marriage. (And the ones who feel once is enough will act accordingly.)

I still remember with fondness three couples of my parents' friends who sent me wedding gifts three times! The Humphreys, the Heinemans and the Levys. How sweet is that? And because my wonderful No. 4 and I did it very quietly, there was no chance to break what is surely a world's record. — Margo, graciously

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and Living On an Air Force Base

I do believe, however, that there are plenty of younger (and older) service members for whom it is difficult to accept that we are the only NATO force that does not allow homosexuals to serve. Doesn't that tell you something? We know conservative religious officers who consider homosexuality a sin, but even they believe gays deserve to serve, just as atheists, Jews, Hindus, Wiccans, etc. I personally don't think homosexuality is a sin. But I do find it sinful that some people put their energy into supporting state-sanctioned discrimination of people for things they cannot control. So I guess my question is: How vocal should I be when the subject comes up with my husband's fellow officers? — Air Force Wife

Dear Air: I am not being flip here, but I think the depth of your discussion should depend on the rank of the officer with whom you disagree — that is, relative to your husband's rank. I am all for telling anyone on your base that you are glad "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is on the way out, but I would not pursue a detailed argument with, say, any officer above a brigadier general. With your husband's equals, I would say go for it.

This is a loaded subject, as you know, and in a situation such as yours, I would say that going on the record — one way or the other — is consistent with standing up for your principles. However, given the hierarchical setup of the military, I think it would be foolhardy to get heatedly into this subject with a senior officer who disagrees with you. I repeat: Just going on the record — one way or the other — is consistent with standing up for your principles. — Margo, sagaciously

Mommie (In-Law) Dearest

Dear Margo: I know I'm jumping the gun on this one, but it's been worrying me a lot lately. I've been married to a wonderful man for two years, and we are planning to start a family soon. The problem is my MIL's husband, "Steve." I won't call him my husband's stepfather, because they married after my husband was already grown and gone, and my guy in no way considers this man a father figure. "Steve" is rude, crass, racist and treats my MIL badly. He leaves Playboy magazines lying around their house, is insensitive to guests and is completely self-centered. Even worse, he has a history of inappropriate behavior with young women (e.g., my sister-in-law).

My husband and I agree that we never want this man around our future children. Right now, we live on the opposite coast from them, but I know that as soon as we have a baby she will want to visit. How can I tactfully tell her that she is only welcome if she leaves "him" at home? I absolutely do not want that man in my house, and my husband agrees. He's tried telling his mother how he feels about "Steve," but she dismisses him as being "too sensitive" or "holding a grudge." — Standing Firm in California

Dear Stand: Um, "holding a grudge" for what — perhaps for mistreating his mother? In any case, since the subject is out in the open, when there is a baby, the invitation might be issued this way: "Because you know how we feel about Steve, we hope you won't mind coming alone. You are the baby's grandmother, after all. Whereas, Steve most likely would not be so interested." Do not brook any argument (though there may well be no pushback). Stick to your guns. — Margo, steadfastly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.