Dear Margo: I belong to an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) group at my university. I understand that kids my age have it a lot easier than homosexuals did, say, 20 years ago. I do, however, have a problem — still — with people who take it upon themselves to try to "change" me, as if changing me were necessary or even possible. I've been told there are therapists who could "turn things around," and even that praying could make me straight. Well, I am happy the way I am and, of course, do not believe anyone or anything can change the proclivities with which you are born.

If I wanted to be rude, I could cite for these people the number of clergymen and politicians who are not out, who support homophobia and who are then caught publicly in a same-sex encounter. I have tried very hard not to do this. Is there something I might say when people (uninvited) tell me that my sexuality is all a matter of my choosing and deciding? — Michelangelo

Dear Mike: I, like you, have about had it with people who have "decided" that homosexuality is a choice or an "alternative lifestyle." This thinking is flat-out ignorant of both science and human nature. I think a fairly gentle way to make your point would be to ask, "So tell me. How old were you when you decided to be straight?" Or: "Can you imagine there's anything that could turn you into a homosexual?" If either of those responses does not settle their hash (for you young 'uns, that's an old expression meaning "close them down"), then I don't think these people are worth dealing with. — Margo, realistically

Just Cluck No

Dear Margo: My husband is the youngest of six, and two of his sisters rule the roost in the family. They take over planning every holiday, every party, every shower. I don't mind this, but my husband and I are expected to help pay for these parties, showers, etc. We are told when to show up, what to bring and how much we owe for helping to host ... even though we have no input about what parties get planned, dates or times, and sometimes we haven't even been able to attend. Part of me sees this as "taxation without representation," and part of me is just glad someone else does the work. We have always given the money because it seemed best to keep the peace.

However, his family is now demanding that we host Christmas, since they have all done it for many years. Since I am an introvert, not a planner or an entertainer, the thought alone brings me to tears. But the reality is this: We live in a 1,200 square-foot townhouse, and the family is 25 people. While I appreciate that his sisters have hosted holidays for a long time, his sisters do not work and have wealthy husbands. We are the least financially equipped to do this. In fact, having this type of gathering would mean forgoing gifts for other family and friends. We explained the situation and bowed out this year, but I fear at some point we will be expected to host. How do I impress upon these people that unless our circumstances change drastically, we will never be hosting Christmas? — Exhausted in Advance

Dear Ex: Tell the hens, I mean the sisters-in-law who rule the roost, that it has become such a tradition that they handle the family events that it would be a shame to lose their golden touch. Tell them of your tiny house, your introversion, your lack of expertise, the stress of your job, your temperamental oven and anything else you can think of. In other words, just say no. Happy hols. — Margo, defensively

Incisors and Indecision

Dear Margo: I recently met a man who is very interested in me. Based on what I have learned from a mutual acquaintance, he possesses a lot of the qualities I would like in a significant other. Some of these qualities are hard to come by, and I should know — I'm 43 and have never been married.

While I am interested in getting to know him better, there is one deal breaker. I never thought I would be the type to let physical attractiveness dictate a relationship, as I am no skinny beauty queen myself. However, this man has serious dental problems. His front teeth are missing, and many of the remaining teeth show signs of decay. I noticed that his sister has missing teeth, as well, so the neglect may run in the family.

What I don't understand is why he would continue to present himself to the world this way. He has a good job, and I am almost certain he has dental insurance. I don't know whether he has a phobia about going to the dentist. As much as I hate to say it, I would be embarrassed to be seen in public with him. Here's my question: Is there a constructive way to encourage him to get much-needed dental work? I really could see us together, but can't get past the condition of his mouth. — Perhaps They Are Afraid of Dentists?

Dear Per: At the beginning of your letter, I was prepared to tell you that wonderful qualities trump looks. But as I read further, I realized that I, myself, could not strike up the band with a man with no teeth in front and the remaining ones clearly decayed.

I would say some version of the following: "I think you and I could be great and close friends, but I must tell you that, for the sake of your health, you must get new teeth where there are none and see to the ones that are on their way out. I suspect you and your sister have a fear of dentists, but there are now both dentists and sedatives to deal with this problem. If you and I are to go forward, you must bite the bullet and see a dentist." Well, maybe leave out "bite the bullet" given the situation you describe. Good luck. — Margo, reconstructively

Passive Aggressive Wind and Dust

Dear Margo: My wife and I are going through a difficult time right now. We have an ongoing issue that we can't seem to resolve. I have asked her not to open the windows in the living room because the wind will bring dust into the house. Instead, I ask that she turn on the vents or air conditioning. She insists on the open windows because she wants to bring fresh air into the house. I feel I am being disrespected by her doing so. Am I wrong?

I've moved into the guest bedroom because I find our bedroom unlivable. She has things in boxes scattered all over the floor. When I ask her to please make the master bedroom more hospitable, she tells me that it is her room and she can keep it as she pleases. I believe that is why I have the right to insist that the living room windows remain closed. Please help me understand what to do here. — Victor

Dear Vic: Probably go to a couple's counselor. There is more going on here than wind, dust and boxes on the bedroom floor. The fact that she has set it up so that you have vacated the master bedroom — and not done anything to get you back — suggests she is just as happy with you sleeping elsewhere. A woman who announces that the marital bedroom is "her room" sounds as though she would be just as happy single. There is a lot of indirect acting out here, so you might want to look into this and have your wife clarify her thinking about the marriage. — Margo, logically

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.