He and his wife frequently see my sibs and their kids. I am hurt but realistic about it. I really cannot tolerate his wife, and if he wants to side with her over getting to know his young grandchildren, that's his choice. I extend invitations every once in a while, and he frequently says during those calls that he misses my kids but is too busy to see us. Admittedly, I never invite his wife, but I assume he knows an invitation for him is for both. I do attend large family events for holidays or his birthday.

Should I try to tolerate his wife so that my children can know their grandfather? It's not just her history and role; I simply dislike her. Plus, she certainly hasn't extended herself in any way toward me. My mom is bitter, too, about the affair and divorce, though she has admirably built a new life. Maybe because I'm a wife, mother and daughter, I side with my mom, so I would have to contend with my feelings of betraying her, too, if I reconcile. Should I call it our loss about his decision or suck it up for my kids? — Willing to be a Martyr

Dear Will: Life is choices, hon. It sounds as though you alone of the sibs have badgered your father for a "confession," and it doesn't seem to be forthcoming. The handwriting is on the mistress — I mean, the wall. Having made known your dislike of her, you cannot expect him to interpret any invitation as meant for the two of them. If you're willing to put up with her, make an explicit invitation to them both. Your father will know how to interpret it. If this woman hasn't been nice to you, it could surely be because she's getting the vibes. It's your call. Literally. — Margo, optionally

No Need To Feel Stuck for an Answer

Dear Margo: From time to time, a friend will say, "See you at The Smiths' party!" What do you say in reply when you haven't been invited but don't want to embarrass your friend for having mentioned it? I always end up saying, "Oh, we're busy that night," so the friend doesn't feel jerky for mentioning it. Should I just say, "Sorry, we weren't invited, but have a good time"? Help. — Feeling Awkward

Dear Feel: There is no shame in not being invited everyplace your friends are. Ergo, there's no need to fudge an answer. If this person starts fumfering around, merely say, "Don't give it a thought. People cannot invite everyone they know to every event they have." If the prospective host mentioned is a close friend of yours, the same rules still apply. One hopes grownups do not feel about entertaining as though they were sixth graders planning a birthday party. Chins up. — Margo, comfortably

With Friends Like These...

It took me a few weeks of not talking to her before I could confront her. I told her she drank way too much and said a lot of hurtful things. I told her the truth. She then said she will be unable to be a bridesmaid and unable to make my wedding. At that point, I decided I really didn't want to be her friend. Here's the question: She's started asking me if I want to hang out and has asked me to do her favors. I have declined, telling her I'm busy. But really, what is the best way to handle this? — Tanya

Dear Tan: The best way is directly. You can't be busy forever. The friendship has been tarnished, to say the least, so pretending otherwise is kind of pointless. This person turned out to be an unpleasant drunk and withdrew as a bridesmaid because she wanted to be the No. 1 bridesmaid. It seems to me this girl is not wrapped real tight, so I would tell her, the next time she calls to hang out or to ask a favor, that not everything is meant to last, and, unhappily, your former friendship is in that category. Over and out. — Margo, decisively

Familie$ and Money

Dear Margo: A couple of years ago, my elderly parents attended a graduation open house at my cousin's. While they were saying goodbye in the driveway, my cousin's large dog and the neighbor's large dog were running around rambunctiously and knocked my mom to the ground, breaking her shoulder. My parents are not rich (or even marginally comfortable), and my mom had to quit her part-time job for a very painful recovery. She will never have full use of her arm and shoulder again.

During her recovery, my sister reached out to my cousin and very nicely asked for her homeowners insurance information to help pay for the medical bills and loss of income. She appeared to completely understand the concern and readily gave the info, from which my parents eventually received a small settlement to help defray the costs. A few months later, my cousin's parents (Dad's sister and brother-in-law) didn't show up for his 80th birthday party. That weighed heavily on him, so my dad called his b-i-l. He was told that his sister is furious with our family for "suing" our cousin. My dad and his sister have always been close, and I know this rift is really hurting him and my mom. So my questions are: Did we do the wrong thing? Is there any hope for reconciliation? How can things be made right? — Sad for Dad

Dear Sad: What is called for here is some education and an understanding of homeowners insurance. The spirit of the thing is that your mother's injury happened at the home of your cousin (because of her dog mixing it up with the neighbor's dog). This is why people have homeowners insurance, so that when there is an injury on their property, it is their insurance that kicks in. It is in no way the equivalent of suing someone; they are already covered for such a situation.

Ask your cousin to explain to her dad (who I am guessing is elderly, as well) that there was nothing personal in it, and in fact, if the insurance money hadn't covered the necessary treatment and losses, a genuine lawsuit could have been filed. It wasn't. — Margo, rationally

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.