Dear Margo: I have two single sisters in their 30s who text, call and e-mail my husband of five years. They contact him to cry on his shoulder about relationship issues, personal problems and various other dramas. They don't contact me about their issues. I have asked them to stop, as their contact is inappropriate, but to no avail. My husband does not see the harm in giving them advice. I am not comfortable with this situation, and I don't know what to say to either my husband or my sisters. What should I do about my sisters' problems? — Ticked

Dear Tick: Maybe tell the girls to send them to me? I would be interested in why you are uncomfortable with this contact. Could it be that it rankles because you are excluded? This would be standard operating procedure in many families. Maybe their troubles all have to do with men, and a male POV is wanted. What is interesting is that your husband doesn't mind being a shoulder to cry on, and the implication is that you think the girls are perhaps making a play for him. I think the adjustment might have to come from you, since 1) your sisters are ignoring your instructions to lay off and 2) your husband doesn't feel it's an imposition. — Margo, adjustably

Who Gets To Decide?

Dear Margo: I have an aunt and two cousins I've always cared about and enjoyed seeing. For the past six years, my aunt has been angry with my siblings, my mother and me for not being more involved with her mother (my mother's mother). I am 28 years old and barely know this woman. She's now a bit senile (at 82), but never really spent time with us as we were growing up. She lived several hours away and was never overly affectionate or grandmotherly.

Anyway, my aunt ended up moving her down here and is now angry with all of us for not always visiting or running errands for Grandma. She lives in a very nice retirement community and has access to almost everything she needs. My aunt hasn't spoken to us in quite a while, and my cousins (ages 20 and 16) are following her lead. I am tired of her hostility toward us for not being more involved or not "loving" Grandma enough. (It's hard to love someone you barely know!) I wish they would stop trying to control our actions by cutting us out of their lives.

I feel that the way I interact with Grandma is my business, and I think they should respect my decision to not pursue a "deeper" relationship with her. I guess I want to know if I should suck it up and give in to the emotional blackmail or stand my ground and have the relationship I feel appropriate with my grandma. — PO'd yet Sad in the Midwest

Dear P.: I am wondering where your mother is in all this. After all, it's her mother, too. In any case, I think a sit-down or a long letter is in order to the aunt who seems to be making all the decisions. You might point out that it was her choice, alone, to move Grandma, and that the retirement community sounds reliable. I would think it impossible to develop any relationship with someone who was always distant and chilly, especially now that her mind is failing. I don't think your aunt should make a unilateral decision, assign chores and then cut people off who don't see it her way, but there you are. Given what you say, even a repaired relationship would be strained. — Margo, regrettably

Just a Few Well-Chosen Words

Dear Margo: I am writing about my big sister, who is a beautiful professional woman in her late 30s. She's an amazing, generous, successful and brilliant person, and she's also my best friend. She has been my biggest cheerleader and defender and has gotten me out of more than a few sticky situations. She has always respected my choices, even if they weren't hers. Now I feel I soon may be in the hot seat as her defender, and I want to do it right.

Her only shortcoming is that she doesn't have great taste in men, which may be why she is on her third marriage, which seems like it may be on its way to being over. (He is excessively jealous and insecure and is possibly a cheater.) I totally support her divorcing for a third time if she feels it's the right thing to do. I always try to be the best sister and friend possible.

My question to you is: How do I handle people's needling remarks about her many marriages when she does divorce again? I am not well equipped to respond to questions like "So what broke up THIS marriage THIS time?" or "So who will No. 4 be?" I would love some advice about responding to these people or, frankly, shutting them up. — Trying To Be a Supportive Little Sister

Dear Try: How nice you are to want to pitch in for your big sister and close down the clods who feel they have to needle you. As it happens, I know something about this subject. As for any remark along the lines of "What happened this time?" you could make it plain you don't appreciate the question by saying something like, "He wouldn't pick up his socks." As for, "Who will No. 4 be?" you might say, "We're hoping for a heart surgeon." — Margo, historically

Not Wise To Be Jealous of Husband's Friends

Dear Margo: I consider myself a sane and rational person, but everyone is irrational sometimes, right? My husband and I are in our mid-20s and newly married, and we have a great relationship. There is "Kelly," though. I absolutely do not think my husband has cheated on me (or would), but I cannot get his relationship with Kelly out of my head. They are just friends — I know they are — but for some reason it bugs me.

Kelly and I were in different social groups in college but had some mutual friends. She always seemed nice and was one of those people I thought I could be friends with, but we never got the chance to know each other. After I met and started dating my husband, I found out they were friends. They've stayed in touch since we graduated.

Now he is on a business trip in the area where she lives, and they will be meeting up. I shouldn't have a problem with this, but I do. Getting to know her better would help, but now she lives far from us, so this is not an option. I know I'm being crazy, and it's even worse because she seems like a genuinely nice person. How do I stop letting their relationship bother me? Do I tell my husband about my crazy feelings? (I haven't yet). — Insecure and Temporarily Crazy

Dear In: What you are feeling is free-floating jealousy mixed with insecurity. Everyone gets nutty or irrational ideas at one time or another. The thing you have to tell yourself is that nothing is driving your insecurity except ... your insecurity. If this girl had meant anything to your husband, he would have chosen her. It sounds like they didn't even date. As someone who travels (with a husband who travels), I can tell you that checking in with friends — of either gender — can make a business trip fun. If your new husband has given you no reason to mistrust him, then don't. (And don't tell him. That would just introduce another unnecessary element.) — Margo, trustingly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD