Fast-forward to the present. I still have this argument every time we visit. I remain concerned because the dog continues his aggressive behavior. We visit less often because of this. I love him and want my daughter to spend time with him while he's still around, but it's awful every time. I explain over and over that I cannot allow his dog around my daughter because he will not restrain him, no matter how much he barks or growls. I simply cannot hold a 2-year-old in my arms for hours at a time so his dog can roam free. It's clear he is offended that I don't treat his dog like a member of the family. Is there a kinder way to express what I need? — Keep 'em Leashed

Dear Keep: I cannot think of a kind way to tell an elderly man that this aggressive, potentially dangerous member of the family scares the living daylights out of you and your child, and if some arrangement cannot be made, the visits, sadly, will have to end. I have no way of knowing whether the old gent is playing with a full deck, but you cannot gamble that the dog will not attack you or your 2-year-old. Tell him that if there is to be a next visit, he will have to kennel what's-his-name. Nothing is worth having to spend time in fear of a snarling, growling dog, not even an f-i-l and grandpa. — Margo, necessarily

When Rude Kids are a Pain

Dear Margo: I would like some insight on how to deal with my 11-year-old granddaughter, who is entering that preteen phase where she seems to have no use for adults. She will barely say hello or goodbye when I come to visit (weekly) and won't answer any questions I ask her.

These days, it seems no one should correct a child except the parents, and it's kind of tricky to tell parents how to raise their kids. I am not going to just sit there and take it. I would not feel I was being fair to myself, and I don't think I am doing the child any favors, either, by tolerating rudeness. But what can I do and stay within the bounds of polite behavior? — Civilized Granny

Dear Civ: I hear a lot about this. Happily, I don't remember it. The key word here, of course, is "phase." This is the prepubescent version of "the terrible twos." It is one thing if these kids wish to be sulky, but someone — preferably a parent — needs to step in and say there is a minimum threshold of civility that must be maintained.

Without telling your child how to raise their own progeny, it is perfectly acceptable to suggest to the adult that the preteen be required to say "hello" and "goodbye" and to offer a brief response to questions. If the kid's parents are too petrified of the child to speak up, I think it's perfectly acceptable for the grandmother (you) to point out that rude behavior is bad public policy. After that, I would ignore the kid if the behavior doesn't improve. — Margo, courteously

Two Fathers, Two Mothers, Wedding in the Middle

My mother is in the process of suing my father for a litany of reasons, all of which stem from her husband. When my siblings or I have tried talking to our mother about this, Stepfather has grabbed the phone and said horrible things about my father and us. The court date is tentatively scheduled for two weeks after my wedding, by my father is trying to get it bumped up so that all this can hopefully be settled and everyone can try to move on. I'm not sure it makes any difference, but I guess that's another set of issues. I also have strong opinions about the validity of this lawsuit, and let's just say I do not agree with my mother on this matter.

I have been very clear that Stepfather is not invited to the wedding. Mom has told me that if he can't come, she won't come. I'm wrestling with the guilt of not having my own mother at my wedding. Trust me, elopement is on the table, too, but I really do want my family around on this special day. — Almost Married

Dear Al: This is very sad for you, and I am sorry. Your mother is clearly behaving like an abused wife, but she chooses not to deal with that (another sadness).

Regarding your wedding, ordinarily, one spouse cannot be invited without the other, but there are exceptions. Unfortunately your mother is married to one. This man is miserable to her, plus he has put her up to a lawsuit. His presence would, indeed, ruin the day. So if your mother can't see her way to coming alone, that is her problem and her loss. I hope you don't elope. I think you are lucky that you have "bonus mom" to act as MOB. — Margo, situationally

Ix-Nay on the Cup of Sugar

Dear Margo: I have a neighbor who is forever asking to borrow stuff: food items, toilet paper, movies, ice packs, money, etc. She doesn't return anything when she says she will — or doesn't return it at all! And she also asks me to look after her pets. It just seems to be one thing after the other. When I say no, she says, "Oh, come on, you live right next door." I have never met anyone so needy in my life, and I am quite a bit older than she is. I am not well and have lots of limitations. Stress just makes my symptoms worse. What is a polite way of letting her know I am done with being her go-to person? — Tired of Being Used

Dear Ti: Because you say you often tell her "no" but she counters with "Oh, come on, you live right next door," I think you have to put more oomph behind your "no." Do not let yourself be jerked around.

I hope this falls within the bounds of being polite: Parry her "oh, c'mon" pleas with words of one syllable, saying that because of your lending/borrowing history, you've decided that your life will be simpler and more stress free if you both live by the old chestnut: Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Woman up, and do what is best for you. If necessary, remind her that her history as a borrower is not triple-A. — Margo, resolutely

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.