My sister now lives with my aunt, and while I am perfectly happy not speaking to my mother again, I have a 2-year-old son who is her only grandchild. I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her, and my instinct is to keep my son away from her. She asked for his Social Security number when he was born, saying it was to set up a savings account for him. I told her to do it in her name and she could give him the money when he's older. That was the last I heard of it.

Between the childhood neglect, the stolen money and the constant evictions throughout my childhood, I obviously have a lot of resentment toward my mother. I don't know if my anger is clouding my judgment, but I can't think of a good reason for my son to see her. — "Glenda"

Dear Glen: I can't think of a good reason, either. This is a woman who has been destructive and toward whom you have justified anger. I cannot imagine your child learning anything of value from her. And I honestly think that no grandma is better than a thieving one who has been harmful to you and your sibs. And she would probably filch his Lego blocks. — Margo, guiltlessly

Keeping Complications to a Minimum

Dear Margo: I have a complicated and frustrating situation, and everyone I talk to tells me a different way to handle it. So here goes.

I was seeing a guy about six years ago; we will call him "John." I met my husband while I was seeing John; we'll call him "Dan." I was really torn between the two men. I eventually chose Dan and stopped seeing John. Then, when Dan and I split up for a while, I told John, but it was too late. He had already started dating someone else. It broke my heart.

Dan and I got back together, eventually married and now have two young children. We fight all the time, and there's pretty much no sex life. We've been seeing a counselor, and it doesn't seem to be working.

Recently, I ran into John, who is no longer with his girlfriend. He expressed to me that if he had known how I felt, he would have broken it off with the other woman. It kills me to know that all this time things could have been different. Nothing has happened between us, but we talk. I don't think I could ever have any kind of affair. I feel like I need to try harder with my husband, mostly because of the kids. But don't I ever get to be happy? — Unsure

Dear Un: You are wise to incline toward the view that an affair is not the answer. Often it just multiplies the problems. I would suggest you give the marriage more time (set a limit in your mind). If things don't improve, then I would end it, and your heart's desire might still be around and he might not. I am not in favor of living one's life in misery, and a rotten marriage does nothing for kids. — Margo, rationally

My parents know that my sisters and I drink socially. For a while, this was a source of conflict in the family, but finally, they adjusted. I never drink in front of them, and our family has always used sparkling grape juice for toasts and holidays. Everything seemed fine, until recently.

Over the past year, my older sister has made a point of serving alcohol at family gatherings. A year ago at Thanksgiving, she tried to serve wine to my parents and their friends, one of whom is also a deacon. It was very awkward, as no one would accept, but she was being extremely pushy. This year at Christmas, she brought home a bottle of Riesling to put in a soup and wanted to serve it with the meal. This was at my parents' house.

My younger sister and I think her behavior is disrespectful to our parents and only serves to stir up tensions that had just started to subside. Is it our place to say something to our sister about her behavior, and if so, what to say? — Alcoholic Awkwardness

Dear Al: It is, indeed, your place to say something, and what I suggest is: "Lay off." Her aggressive pushing of alcohol is just one step away from someone trying to get a 12-stepper to "just try it" or, worse, sneaking it into food. Alcoholics can get into trouble even with a touch of liqueur in a dessert. While I understand that your parents are abstainers by choice, and not alcohol abusers, your sister is showing quite a bit of hostile pushback for who-knows-what reason. You might ask her why she has made it her project to get everyone to drink, and then tell her to stop it. — Margo, preferentially

Surprises of the Not Great Kind

Dear Margo: A couple of months ago, my sister, "Sarah," found out by accident that the man on her birth certificate isn't her father. My grandmother let it slip long ago that she had a suspicion that Sarah was only my half-sister, so this didn't surprise me. However ... it has done a number on Sarah.

She's met the man who actually fathered her and has also met two half-brothers. She says they are decent people. My question is: Is there anything I can do to help her as she grapples with the shock and other emotions this has caused? She's only 17 and doesn't have much of a relationship with our mother. My fiance and I are the only people to whom she's revealed this information. This changes nothing between the two of us, and I want to be as supportive as I can for her. — Unsure in Arkansas

Dear Un: If it's possible, perhaps your sister could see a counselor, just to hash out the conflicting emotions. What you can do is reinforce your love for her, reiterating that the new developments change nothing and she is free to forge a bond with the "new" family — or not. You might also tell her that the situation she finds herself in is becoming increasingly common and it's a plus to know who your biological parents are, if only for health histories. I think she will be fine with some TLC. — Margo, supportively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.