Dear Margo: I'm a 16-year-old girl with no life of my own. I live with my mom, her boyfriend and my 3-year-old brother in a two-bedroom apartment. My mom is on a bunch of meds for depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety and diabetes. She sleeps a lot, so I end up taking care of my brother most of the time. He has even started calling me mommy. I come home from school and have to fix supper and clean the apartment because my little brother has trashed the place all day. I have started applying to different colleges because I want to be a nurse.

My problem is that my mom won't take me to visit any colleges, and she won't agree to anyone else taking me. I feel like she wants to keep me trapped here forever. I am not allowed to go anywhere with friends or to have a normal teenager's life. I wanted to get a summer job to earn money for school, but I was told no. I don't want to have kids of my own because I have already been a mom to my little brother. How can I make my mom see that I am feeling suffocated? — Hopeless Teen in Ohio

Dear Hope: You don't need me to tell you that what is going on at home is not good for you and most unfair. You will not make your mother see anything, but here are possible ways to improve things.

Because you describe no social life at all, if you've made a good friend at school whose family might let you live with them until you graduate, that would be good. (This happens more than people think.) And because you are not able to visit colleges, I would ask the guidance counselor how to proceed — perhaps with an appended letter outlining the reasons for being unable to visit. I worry about your little brother, too. Unless your mother's boyfriend is a solid guy, you might have to involve the department of child services. I wish you luck, and I predict a better future. — Margo, hopefully

Treat a Disagreement as Just Another Subject

Dear Margo: My girlfriend and I communicate very well. The only thing we don't do well is fight. We both prefer to avoid conflict and confrontation. Of course, we have differences and disagreements. I am wondering how we can get to be as good at talking about our differences as we are at talking about everything else. — Wanting To Improve

Dear Want: Let me just say this: A relationship in which there's conflict avoidance is far preferable to the neurotic couples whose common bond is going at it — and each other.

There is such a thing as "good fighting." It is essentially fair fighting, and it involves dealing with the issue without personalizing things. It involves rational discourse, not hollering, and it requires that you stick to the subject. That is, if you're differing about domestic chores, stay away from side issues, such as throwing in, "And I never liked your sister!" I do think you are wise to want to find a way to work out differences. Just stay on the topic as two grownups trying to iron out a difference of opinion. — Margo, peacefully

Grandma's Beating the Drum Is Unwelcome

My mother is a social worker. She works in a mental health facility and loves to diagnose people she knows and those she does not. ("Oh, she's a borderline.") I am getting tired of this. My daughter is also fed up and has asked that my mother not contact her. My mother, however, persists in writing her letters and sending her e-mails every few months, and even calling. I have told them both that it's between them and I don't want to be in the middle.

Last night, my daughter called to complain that my mother again called her and harangued her and belittled her busy schedule — she attends graduate school and works almost full time. Should I again let my mother know how hurtful her behavior is and ask her to please leave Annabelle alone? (I have done this once already.) Or should I just keep silent? — Squeezed by Relatives

Dear Squeeze: I would do a modified version of letting your mother know that she is out of line. And I would do it in writing. Once. I am a great fan of written thoughts, especially on touchy subjects. The recipient can read it more than once, she cannot interrupt you, and arguing with a letter is not really possible. I would tell your mother that if she continues being the Welcome Wagon for Therapy, she and Annabelle will likely wind up with no relationship at all. After that, trust your daughter to handle her grandmother herself. It is too bad that your mother's profession has convinced her that everyone is nuts. — Margo, tactically

Don't Punish the Wrong People

Dear Margo: I recently met distant relatives from my mother's side of the family. I traveled to Mexico to meet them, and it went very well until my mother's arrival. I have a cousin who is intelligent, goes to college and will study to become a veterinarian. He is also addicted to marijuana. My aunt and uncle cannot control him. I went with his family on a trip to Cancun, and half of the time, he was intoxicated with the plant and alcohol. Upon my arrival in Mexico, other family members warned me about his habits. He told me about his activities himself, and I told him not to do anything related to his drug abuse in front of my mother. I also told him to quit.

The day my mom arrived, my cousin decided to take out one of his dried marijuana plants and show it to her. They got in a big argument, with yelling and profanities. My mother was upset and hurt. I don't know what his motive was. Now my mother doesn't want to talk to my uncle (her brother) because he allows such things to happen in his home. I don't want my family to stop contact. My mother was great friends with her sister-in-law, and now they don't even want to speak. What should I do? — Liv from Texas

Dear Liv: You do not particularly fit into this equation, though I understand your angst, and I'm not sure why your cousin went out of his way to let your mother in on his affinity for pot. People with substance abuse problems cannot get clean until they choose to. Don't ask me how I know this. Apparently, your aunt and uncle have made the choice to let their son continue to live at home. All you can do is point out to your mother that the young man's behavior should not damage the friendship with her sister-in-law, and that, in fact, she should try to imagine this woman's unhappiness with her son's situation. I think your mother's mistake is in imagining that your aunt and uncle can "control" the situation. — Margo, realistically

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.