However, my grandmother is controlling, hoarding, manipulative, narcissistic and a snoop. Seriously, she will go through every drawer, cupboard and box if left unattended. Going through the bathroom cabinet and cupboards is small potatoes for her; she'll check your nightstand, file cabinets and hall closets. Whatever she finds she discusses with her sister and her bridge buddies. Since we don't have anything to talk about, my husband and I were thinking of buying a huge sexual device (and I mean huge, like as big as my arm and anatomically correct) and leaving it in his top dresser drawer. My husband thinks the worst that could happen is she'll try to use it, while I am concerned that she will have a coronary and I'll have to explain it to the police and my family. What do you think? — Killjoy

Dear Kill: Forgo the fun and games, hon, and tell you husband, the jokester, that planting a sex toy is a bad idea. While I agree that it's annoying to have anyone going through your things, I wouldn't provide the old girl with anything more to talk about than your brooms, aspirins and check stubs. — Margo, maturely

Re: The Accessory Dog

Dear Margo: I never thought I would be writing to you, but I need an outside opinion. I have a friend who seems to like disposable dogs. She made the conscious decision to get a puppy from her mother, a breeder of miniature poodles. The puppy lasted fewer than two months before it was given back to her mother. That was a few years ago. Last spring, she decided to acquire a new puppy with her (then) boyfriend. They picked the biggest monstrosity of a puppy I had ever seen — a cross between a lab and a Saint Bernard! Fast-forward a few months: Her relationship ended, she got "stuck" with the dog, and that lasted maybe four more months before she got rid of this dog, too.

This is my dilemma: I am a responsible pet owner, and having worked in the pet industry for four years in my younger days, I know the responsibilities involved in being a "pet parent." I was taught by both parents (and my experiences) that once you get an animal, "returning" it is not an option. So, I harbor some anger toward individuals who treat pets like disposable playthings. How can I continue to have a friendship with this person when all I can think about is how irresponsible she is? — Responsible Dog Owner

Dear Res: I suspect the well of this friendship has been poisoned by your feelings about her behavior toward her dogs. If she is responsible in other areas of her life, you might put the friendship on a better footing if you tell her of your concerns and perhaps try to educate her. You could point out that her history with dogs is not good, that animals are not to be tossed out like used toys, and that perhaps she'd be happier with no pets. I was going to suggest goldfish, but then I had a vision of them floating on top of the water. Just tell her everyone is not cut out to have pets, and you believe she is one of those people. If she gets what you're saying, then I think you can be friends again. — Margo, conscientiously

How To Deal With a Needle Artist

Dear Margo: Like many people (politicians, police, journalists, attorneys, car salespeople), I work at a job that a good many people love to hate. Most people I meet, however, are gracious. The exception is a close relative's new wife. I'd never met her before the wedding and only see her at family gatherings. I've always been cordial, and she is friendly. However, her smile and greeting are quickly accompanied by a critical remark about my profession or my employer. Last time, she told me what a jerk my boss is.

Part of me believes she thinks this is clever conversation; another part says the fact that she has a master's degree in counseling means she can't be that clueless. Do I keep doing what I have been doing, which is to smile, say something bland and disengage quickly? Or should I point out that she's being remarkably rude? I don't want to start a family fight, but I'm tired of being her dartboard. — Losing Patience

Dear Lose: Kinda too bad that this woman feels she needs to give you her unsolicited and impolite opinion every time you meet. Your passive avoidance responses just ensure that she will continue with the needles. I would, the next time this happens, return the volley. You might respond, when next you hear the same song, umpteenth verse, that she certainly seems too young to be memory impaired, but she tells you of her disdain for your work every time she sees you. You might throw in, "It almost seems as though you don't want us to be friends." When she picks herself up off the floor, I predict you will have heard the last of her digs. — Margo, responsively

Pets and Vets

Dear Margo: In November 2010, I almost lost my 16-year-old Baby-Girl Sassie (Shepherd/Chow mix) to cancer. I opted for surgery and treatment, and she's doing great. It cost close to $2,000, but I didn't care; she's my girl. All of my friends and a few family members called me crazy for saving her life and spending the money to treat her. When I asked for prayers, they thought I had gone off the deep end. Last week, my beagle, Mac, had a tumor appear on his left hind leg (he's 14), and I opted for surgery once again (another $1,000), and tonight the doc told me Mac will be around for a long time. Again, I was called nuts.

Last week, I had surgery for breast cancer. The people who saw me through the operation thought nothing of praying for me, but they fail to realize that my pets are with me 24/7. When I come home from chemotherapy and radiation treatments, they are the ones who greet me at the door, crawl up in my bed and comfort me when I'm crying from fear. Is it wrong to want others to pray for your pets when their lives are in danger? Or to spend money on their health as you would for a human? — Mom to Pets

Dear Mom: People who aren't pet people are never going to get it, so stop trying to get them to understand. It should not matter to you what others think of your priorities. I don't think it's wrong, exactly, to ask friends to pray for pets, but I can see how some people would think it a little strange or even sacrilegious. I suspect there are people who make a distinction between animals and people, and once you understand that, you won't be angry with the people who decline to pray for Mac. — Margo, understandingly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD