Dear Margo: My good friend "Linda" is a racist. Her granddaughter confided in her mother that she had feelings for an African-American boy. The mother found out that her daughter had two girlfriends who were dating African-American boys. Here's what was said that put the "racist" stamp on my friend: "I ordered my daughter to instruct my granddaughter to sever the relationship with the two girls who are dating black boys."

My jaw dropped. I didn't know what to say. They are making "rules" for her selection of boys, which include: He must be white, he must be a Christian, and he must not be more than one or two years older. I'm pretty sure the young woman is going to rebel. My bigger problem, though, is that I don't want to lose her friendship, but by the same token, I'm not a racist. I'm actually very liberal. After all, I am gay. — Fan in South Carolina

Dear Fan: Some people would find it difficult to maintain a friendship with someone whose basic values are so different from their own. Only you would know if you are one of those people. On the other hand, I have a few close friends who I regard as right-wing nuts, but ... politics is an entirely different issue than racism.

Because this discovery is new to you (not sure how it never came up before, especially living in the South), give it some time and observe your response to Linda, knowing what you now know. The importance of principle might figure into this equation. Do you profoundly care about the issue, or is it just something you disagree with? In any case, it would be useful to tell your friend what is wrong with her position — though I doubt you will change her mind. Such prejudices are often deeply ingrained. Do remind her that it strikes you as narrow and un-Christian, in the extreme, to ban an entire group of people from your life based on the color of their skin. — Margo, constructively

What To Do When People Are Never On Time

Dear Margo: I have a question about people who are regularly late. If someone is late (and I wait between 10 and 25 minutes, depending on the situation), I simply go without them, take my kids wherever they need to go or whatever. I never mention it to the late person, except to call and say I am leaving (as in the case of a carpool).

For some reason, these late people get upset and tell me their "feelings were hurt" because I went ahead and did whatever it was. I'm tired of it. How about my feelings? I have to take time out of my day that I wasn't planning on. What I usually say is, "You were late. I managed on my own." But when I do say that, they get all defensive and tell me I have hurt their feelings. The only thing that comes to mind is "get over yourself." Is there anything that can be said that isn't "be on time and we won't have this problem"? I'm at a loss. — Late-Averse

Dear Late: My mother had a saying I use to this day: "He who is prompt is lonesome."

Punctuality is, alas, not highly valued by many people. However, I have never heard of the tardy person having hurt feelings when told someone just could not wait for them. I would suggest you take note of the people who are habitually late and not make plans with them because you can't count on them. I see nothing wrong with, "You were late. I managed on my own." If you're feeling frisky, you could hum Randy Newman's "Short People," substituting the word "late" for "short." — Margo, punctually

When a Chatterbox Is Really Something Else

Dear Margo: I frequently see letters in columns like yours about talkative co-workers. Never addressed in the answer is that it's possible the talkative co-worker has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

I am one of those talkative co-workers. Over the years, my habit of talking, including the overly detailed too-much-information aspect, has been met with complaints, disdain and even hostility from teachers, bosses and co-workers. As much as I tried not to do it, sometimes it was just beyond my control — or I did not even realize it was happening. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year after one too many co-worker complaints. While I didn't think I had the disorder, I did know that I talked too much. After meeting with a psychiatrist, I was told I have one of the more extreme cases he'd seen in a while!

Many adults who have ADHD don't think they have it and go undiagnosed. Many of the symptoms — lack of focus, easily distracted, etc. — are things people simply don't think they have because they've lived with them all their lives. The problems they have from the symptoms are often attributed to other things.

I am now on medication, which helps a lot of the time. I still talk a lot and still get a hostile vibe from some co-workers, but when a compassionate co-worker signals me to tone it down, I can recognize it and bring it under control. One thing I've thought a lot about since I was diagnosed is how easy it is for people to jump on what they see as a character flaw and treat someone like less of a person because of it, instead of trying to understand that there is a problem and proceeding in a compassionate way. — Miss M. in New England

Dear Miss: Your letter is most interesting, and I'll admit it offers a scenario I have never thought of. I will say that I, myself, when nervous if someone does not respond, will continue nattering on — as opposed to just being quiet. I do not know if this is disordered behavior or not, but it has embarrassed me on occasion. I guess I always assumed it was my own JRTSD (Jerky Response to Silence Disorder). — Margo, interestedly

Here Come$ the Bride$Maid

Dear Margo: "Stella" and I have been close friends since we were kids in California. Although I now live 3,000 miles away, we've remained fairly close. She is getting married this summer in Oregon, and I am a bridesmaid. I am happy to sail for the expenses of flying home, renting a car, staying in a hotel for two nights and dealing with the dress, alterations, shoes, hair, etc. However, I am wondering what to do about the shower.

Stella's sister, "Fern," is the maid of honor. She and the other bridesmaids (all local) are renting a room at an upscale restaurant for an elegant shower-luncheon. It's understood that I will not be able to fly home for the shower, though of course I will send a gift. Am I supposed to help pay the costs of the shower? What about the bachelorette party, which I will not be able to attend, either? — Etiquette Versus Finances

Dear Et: This is your lucky day. In the situation as you describe it, there is no conflict between etiquette and finances. I give you permission to forget about contributing to either the shower or the bachelorette party. You already have many expenses the other girls do not, and no one in her right mind would expect any more of you ... or from you. Have a lovely time. — Margo, festively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.